Bittersweet Victory
by SaJi
Summary: Yaoi. The bittersweet taste of victory, victory wrought in defeat. The pain of love, the pain of loss. When love is stolen, is there still hope?
1. BV Chapter 01

Disclaimer: *points to sign* YU-GI-OH DOES NOT BELONG TO ME *cries* Not fair. ;_;  
  
Warning: M/M Sex *gasp* Do NOT read if you are offended by that sort of thing. If you have come with intent to FLAME, go ahead, I've not had a good one yet. Rating = R!! Just because this is in the YuGiOh! section doesn't mean it's for Kiddies. Go on little ones, go find another fik, this one isn't for you.  
  
A/N: A Shameless plot what plot? Maybe. I really don't know if this qualifies. I have to confess this is my very first lemon ever. As with my first and still ongoing fic, this one came out of a dream that I had, so please don't kill me at how it ends. Hey, don't just skip down to the end you'll miss all the good stuff. Uhmm. Since this is my first lemon, please tell me what you think of it, is it any good or should I never, ever write one again for as long as I live? More A/N can be found after the story. Enjoy. ^_~  
  
Oh; and before I forget, sorry if the layout confuses anyone.thoughts kinda blend in.  
  
Also, this is a repost. It was posted up before but was taken down for a while.  
  
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Bittersweet Victory  
  
I can't suppress the smile that graces my lips as I look down upon the gorgeous naked body set before me. His eyes closed, fists clenched tightly in the sheets by his sides, his breathing low and shallow. The pale skin of his prone body a stark contrast with the black silk that pools around him, the nervous constriction of his muscles, sliding smoothly beneath that pale skin, the slightest intake of breath on his part sending shivers of desire coursing through my body. I have never seen anything so beautiful in my life.  
  
I have wanted him more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. I have wanted him since the first day I had laid my eyes upon him. Wanted to feel the smoothness of his skin against my own, wanted to taste its saltiness as we made love.  
  
His fists clinch more tightly in the sheets, his knuckles turning white, as I lay one hand upon the bed causing it to shift slightly under my weight. Frowning I look up watching his breathing catch as he turns his head to the side, his eyes held all the more tightly shut. Faintly I wonder if he's afraid, before quickly dismissing the thought.  
  
Slowly I crawl on all fours onto the bed, occasionally stopping to run my tongue over the pale flesh beneath me. I smile hungrily as I reach his growing erection, his breath hitching as I lightly run my tongue up along its length. Playfully I nip the inside of his thigh before continuing my slow journey upwards, only to stop moments later.  
  
Murmuring softly, eyes half lidded, I run my tongue along the outside of his navel before dipping into it once, then twice. His muscles tighten as I blow softly against the wet skin, a small sob escaping his lips. Gently I run my hands back down along the insides of his thigh and down along his legs, gently urging them apart.  
  
Hesitantly he moves his legs, spreading them farther apart allowing me more room. Settling more comfortably between them I dip my tongue into his navel a third time before beginning to suck at it gently. I moan softly as his muscles constrict beneath me, his back arching slightly into my touch.  
  
At length I decide to move on, planting light kisses along the smooth expanse of his chest as I bring my hands up to play with the pink buds of his nipples, tweaking them until they stand hard and erect.  
  
Sighing I sit up, straddling his hips and look down at his slightly trembling body. Noticing the gleam of unshed tears beneath his eyelashes I frown, reaching out to wipe at them gently. The moment my fingers brush his cheek he flinches, turning his head farther away from my touch. Pain floods through me at his silent rejection. Moving my fingers, I run them gently along his neck and down his chest instead.  
  
I love him so much; so much it hurts every time I look at him, every time I hear his name. I want him to know my love for him and to return that love back to me. This.this is the only way I could think of how to show him my feelings for him, and still he fights me. Not physically.no he is bound by his honor.but, with that one small rejection, the rejection of comfort he has hurt me more than anyone else ever could.  
  
Fighting back tears of my own I reach down gently working his fingers free from the sheets. Bringing one fist up I gently kiss the back of his hand before slowly prying his fingers out, kissing each one in turn as I do so. Finishing with one hand I move to the next repeating the same ritual, trying to get him to relax, to enjoy what's being done to him. An unresponsive lover as I've found is not very satisfying.  
  
As I place his hands back down by his sides I can sense them starting to ball once again into the sheets. Quickly I reach down running my fingers over his lightly before intertwining them with my own. The pressure of his grip is strong, almost painful in its intensity. I cry out, softly voicing my protest and slowly the pressure lessens as he forces his hands to relax.  
  
Smiling I lean down nuzzling his throat, my tongue flicking out to taste the sweat that has gathered in its hallow. Mumbling reassurances and comforting words I start to nibble along his collarbone, occasionally mock biting him here and there. Leaning forward I gently run my tongue along his ear, caressing every curve, before taking in the lobe, sucking at it gently.  
  
I can feel the quickening of his breath beneath me. That simple reaction sending bolts of pleasure through my body. I moan into his ear, voicing my pleasure, before slowly moving down kissing my way along the curve of his neck. Reaching the junction of his neck and shoulder I gently bite down then begin to suck and knead at the soft skin, my eyes fluttering closed as I make my mark upon him. I smile softly into his skin as a small moan escapes his lips, his long silence broken.  
  
Releasing his right hand, which instantly tangles into the sheets, I reach up tilting his head so that it no longer lay to one side. Brushing my lips softly against his own I whisper more quiet assurances, then run my tongue along his lower lip requesting entrance. He tries to turn his head once again, but wrapping my fingers in his hair I hold him still, leaning down to kiss him gently.  
  
Deciding that he needs a little more.persuasion, I release his left hand as well, reaching down with my now free hand to grab his erection. He gasps in surprise and pleasure, the slight parting of his lips all I need to slip inside. As I moan into his mouth, kissing him deeply, my hand starts to move slowly sliding up and down his length.  
  
As I break the kiss, needing air, I look down upon him wishing that he would open his eyes so that I might look upon them. His breath hitches as his hips thrust up of their own accord into my hand. He bites his lip, his neck straining back as he suppresses a moan. Once again, I lean forward taking his mouth, this time he offers no resistance allowing me to slip my tongue deep within him, both of us moaning in pleasure as our tongues slide against each other's.  
  
God what I wouldn't do to feel his weight upon me, pressing me down. To have his lips devour my own, to have his touch like molten fire move across my skin, setting every nerve alight with pure desire. Moaning out my name, screaming out his pleasure for all to hear.  
  
But I know that can't be so, not yet. I had.I had to bind him by his honor, had counted on it to get this far. To be able to touch him like this with his willing, although admittedly reluctant, consent.  
  
No.here, now, I have to take control. I have to lead in a dance I know not the steps to, and to which I don't think he knows either. I wonder.am I also his first as he is mine? I have never done anything like this before, not with anyone. A chaste kiss here or there being the only exception.  
  
I want this to be good for him. I want him to remember my touch, to crave it as I crave his. To have every jolt of pleasure that racks through his body burned into his memory. Knowing that I had caused it. Knowing that only I could give it to him. To have him know that we were meant to be together for all eternity.  
  
I attack his mouth with bruising force, trying to express all of my feelings, all of my reasons into this one kiss. I can feel him thrusting faster now into my hand and it's all I can do to release him, bringing that hand up to grip in his hair as well, pulling our two mouths closer together. He moans into my mouth, a mixture of both pleasure and disappointment. His thrusts, now devoid of stimulation, slowing then stopping all together. Still we kiss. I am unwilling to let go. I hold on for as long as I can, pushing both our limits. As my lungs start to convulse, demanding air, I reluctantly let go.  
  
As I sit gasping for breath atop him, my head resting on his shoulder, I become aware that his hands after being released from my own had not moved from the sheets they were clutching. That he had not once reached out to touch me. The realization sends new shocks of pain coursing through me. I close my eyes concentrating on the rise and fall of his chest beneath me as he too gasps for air, ignoring the ache that's now spreading through my chest and to my heart.  
  
After my breathing slows, coming back down, I kiss him once more, this time more gently, softly caressing his tongue with my own. At the same time I let my right hand wonder back down, brushing my fingers lightly across his erection, barely touching it. Shivers run through his body as he thrusts upwards seeking out that ghost touch. Pulling back I gently wrap my hand around his erection, my thumb coming up to tease the tip. His back arches lightly beneath me, a pleasure filled moan clawing its way out of his throat as his head bends back, his lower lip held tightly in his teeth.  
  
God he is so beautiful. His pale skin glistening with sweat, his hair matted, sticking to his face in places. He looks like an angel, an exotic angel sent from Heaven. My angel.the keeper of my heart.  
  
Smiling softly I lean down nuzzling his throat lovingly. For an instant fear laces through me at what I'm about to do, but I quickly suppress it. I know what I have to do, what I want to do. What I've wanted to do for so long now. To become one with my angel. To be joined as only lovers can be joined.  
  
Carefully I rise up, moving back just a little. I see his brow knit in confusion as my weight lifts from him, but still he will not look. Perhaps content with the fact that my hand still holds him, telling him that I have not left. Biting my own lip, I rest my left hand on his right shoulder and using my right hand as a guide slowly begin to lower myself onto him.  
  
I close my eyes as the tip of his erection comes into contact with my entrance. I can feel him stiffen at the contact, feel the sheets as they move, pulled into his embrace as his hands clutch all the more tightly at them. Stealing my breath I push downwards, a small whimper escaping my throat as tears spring unbidden to my eyes. God but it hurts, more than any other physical pain I have suffered it hurts. Unable to go any further I stop, holding myself suspended on him, waiting for my body to adjust, for the pain to lessen even if only slightly.  
  
Silently I thank whatever gods might be listening that he hadn't just grabbed and thrust into me. The thought had never really occurred to me until this moment that he might actually do so. Sniffling softly I open my eyes to gaze down at him. He lay completely still, his body seemingly frozen in place. His breathing too seemed to have stopped; biting my lip harder I bring my right hand up to lightly rest on his chest, the feeling of his heart beating wildly reassuring me that I haven't given him an heart attack or anything.  
  
Moving my hand to grip tightly at his left shoulder I take a deep breath then push myself down gently, burying his erection deep inside me. This time I don't stop.  
  
When finally he is completely embedded within me I allow myself to relax. As my body adjusts to the new sensation I busy myself by playing with his nipples or twining strands of his hair around my fingers. A slight fluttering of the eyelashes and the soft rise and fall of his chest accompanied by an occasional low moan the only signs that he is alive.  
  
Softly I whisper his name, reaching out with one hand to run my fingers lightly over his cheek. He tilts his head ever so slightly into the touch, murmuring my name so softly I can barely hear it. But I do and the sound of it on his lips spoken so gently is like music to my ears.  
  
Feeling nothing more but a slight discomfort now I slowly rise until only his tip is left within me and then lower myself on him again. His hips come up to meet me as I come down and I cry out in pleasure as he brushes something deep inside me. Soon any pain or discomfort is forgotten, replaced by jolts of pure pleasure washing over me with every downward and upward thrust of our hips.  
  
I have found that opposed to his near silence I am quite vocal, frequently and loudly making my pleasure known.  
  
Bringing my right hand away from his shoulder I reach down wrapping it around my own swollen erection, sliding my hand along its length in time to our thrusts. I feel dizzy, overwhelmed by the flood of these new sensations as they wash over my body. I can feel his body trembling beneath mine, his thrusts coming harder and faster now.  
  
No, not yet. Biting my lip hard I force myself to slow, to not lose control. He moans quietly beneath me thrusting up hard once more before succumbing to the new pace that I have set for us. If I could I would never have this moment end. Being with him like this.this feeling.surely this must be what Heaven feels like.  
  
My eyes fluttering open I look down to discover small streams of iridescent tears falling from his closed eyelids, a few small pearls clinging to his lashes. More tears fall from his closed eyes as he thrusts upwards, a sob racking through his body. His breathing is coming in ragged gasps and his head lay once again to the side, burying into his right shoulder. I cry out, my back arching, as his next thrust hits me.  
  
Letting go of my erection I reach down gripping both of his shoulders, pulling lightly. After a few moments I manage to get him to sit up, wrapping my arms around his neck and moving my legs to encircle his waist. I bite lightly at his shoulder as my erection, now trapped between us, rubs against the flat expanse of his stomach.  
  
I can now feel the wetness of his tears as he buries his head into the curve of my neck and shoulder, his lips trembling softly. I whisper gently into his ear, kissing it lightly as I run my fingers through his sweat dampened hair. As another violent shudder racks through his body, tearing a strangled sob from his lips, I begin to worry. He is shaking so hard, his body starting to convulse from the force of his tears.  
  
I 'shhhh' at him softly, holding him more tightly against me, like a mother would her child. Murmuring softly into his ear I run my hands down the length of his arms to his hands, gently releasing the sheets of his death grip. Bringing his hands up I draw them back, wrapping them around me.  
  
I kiss lightly along his neck, tangling my left hand gently in his hair and reach out with my right to grasp tightly at the headboard. I grind my hips roughly against his own, using the headboard to help push against him. His hips buck up into me as a loud moan tears from his throat.  
  
I cry out in pain, tears sliding from my eyes, as a vicious bite accompanies my next thrust. His teeth digging savagely into my left shoulder, hard enough to draw blood. Clinching his hair, I jerk his head back violently, bringing my lips up to cover his own as I continue to thrust roughly against him.  
  
The taste of his mouth mingled with the taste of my own blood is intoxicating to me and I moan loudly, thrusting faster against him. His arms tighten around me, his fingers splaying to lay firmly against the small of my back. I draw my lips back just enough so that I might breath, our breathes mingling as our lips brush against each others. Shifting slightly I gently kiss away the tears falling from his closed eyes, before moving to his ear and finally his neck.  
  
My eyes flutter close as I knead the pale flesh, licking at the sweat that clings to his skin. Savoring its salty taste. I tilt my head slightly into his as I feel his teeth graze my skin, then moan as his tongue flicks out lapping gently at the blood flowing freely from his bite.  
  
He murmurs something too faint to hear into my skin and I kiss his shoulder gently, letting him know that I don't blame him. I can feel my muscles start to tighten as I continue to thrust faster and harder onto him. Pulling his head closer I whisper into his ear, I whisper of my love for him and as I come, hot, sticky liquid spraying between us, I cry his name.  
  
I bury my head in his shoulder, sobbing his name over and over again as wave upon wave of pure ecstasy washes over me, drowning out everything except the feel of his hips as they continue to drive into me.  
  
A sob tears from his throat, his arms tightening around me as he thrusts hard into me, his body shaking with the force of his release. I bring both of my arms up to wrap around his neck, my fingers digging into the soft wet locks of his hair. The feeling of his release, his hot liquid spreading within me, enough to send new waves of pleasure crashing over me.  
  
As the torrents of pleasure gradually lessen, releasing me from their hold, I gently kiss his neck, whispering his name. He doesn't move, his body leaning heavily against me. Fear wells up within me as I repeat his name, loosening my grip on him so that I might look at him more fully.  
  
His body, lax in my arms, offers little resistance as I push against it. Panic gripes my heart as his head drops, unresisting, to his chest the moment it leaves my shoulder. Crying his name I bring my head down, pressing my ear firmly against his chest. As the soft sound of his heartbeat comes back to me I release the breath I'd unknowingly been holding and lift his head to gently kiss his lips, once more clutching his body tightly against mine.  
  
He must have passed out I muse, wiping at a tear as it slides silently down my cheek, before once again pushing against him, gently lowering him onto the bed. For a moment I just look down at him, his features so relaxed in sleep.  
  
Brushing the damp fringe of his hair from his eyes, I smile. I've never seen him without his perpetual, 'Holier Than Thou', scowl before and I like what I see.  
  
"You really don't know how beautiful you truly are, do you?" I ask, leaning down to brush my lips lightly over his. "You are so very beautiful. The gods must have thought long and hard before creating you."  
  
Sighing I sit back up, stretching my arms wide, my limbs feeling heavy in their relaxed state. I grimace softly as I feel something clinging to my skin, and looking down am reminded of my own release. I glare at the milky white substance wearily as if it were some creature that might at any moment come to life. Reaching down I run two fingers over my chest gathering some of the substance, bringing it up to examine it.  
  
Tentatively I flick my tongue out, tasting it. My nose wrinkling as I grimace, swallowing my own seed. Its salty somewhat bitter taste not to my liking. Frowning I glance quickly around for anything I could use to wipe the rest off, finding nothing suitable I resign myself to taking care of it.  
  
I moan softly as my lover slides out of me and move over to lay on my back to his left. Eyes half lidded, staring at the ceiling, I absently reach down gathering more of my seed, bringing it to my lips. When finally I am free of the stuff I roll onto my side, propping myself up on my elbow to look in mild distain at the softly rising and falling chest before me. Or to be more precise at the substance clinging to the softly rising and falling chest before me. I regard the substance for a moment longer before leaning over and licking at it. Closing my eyes I run my tongue over the expanse of skin beneath me, moaning softly. The taste of my lover making that of my seed more bearable to me.  
  
When at last there is no more I run my tongue up his chest, coming up to nip gently at his collarbone. Still he remains oblivious, wrapped firmly in sleeps tight embrace. Snuggling closer I regard him for a moment, taking in his pale skin, always so pale. and the faint traces of his still drying tears. Frowning I watch as a fresh tear breaks free, sliding silently down his cheek.  
  
"Saa. no more tears Seto." I murmur softly reaching out to gently brush the tear away. "No more tears."  
  
Bringing my lips up I kiss him gently then reach down to pull at the black silk sheets drawing them up to come over us both. As the smooth material flutters, settling against our moist skin, I slide my head down resting it upon his chest. My eyes fluttering close I listen to the steady beat of his heart, letting it carry me off to sleep.  
  
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Warmth. I can feel it spreading across my skin. Beckoning me out of the blessed darkness of sleep.  
  
Groaning I crack one eye open. Just as I thought, the sun. For a moment I just lay there lazily watching the play of shadow and light as the sun rises from its sleep, demanding that we in turn do as well. Hnn.the sun can shine all it wants, but I am quite content right where I am. Closing my eye I snuggle closer to the chest beneath me inhaling deeply of its scent, savoring it.  
  
Softly Seto murmurs incoherently in his sleep and I smile, looking up just in time to see his nose wrinkle slightly. His mouth opens as if to yawn, then thinking better of it closes as his head turns farther from the window and the accursed sun towards me. The fringe of his soft brown hair falling into his eyes as his head settles once more onto the pillow, more quiet murmurs escaping his lips.  
  
I can't help but giggle. Whoever would have thought that Seto could be so cute in sleep?  
  
Gently I plant a kiss on his chest, before shifting so that I now sit upon him. His brow knits as my weight settles onto him, his head turning to snuggle more firmly into the pillow. Leaning down I plant light butterfly kisses along the arch of his neck and up following the outline of his jaw. Reaching out I turn his head away from the pillow so that I might taste his lips.  
  
Using my fingers to gently pry his mouth open I slip my tongue between his lips tasting the sweetness of him. Slowly he begins to respond to the kiss, his movements sluggish as the vestiges of sleep begin to wear off. I moan pressing more fully against him, seeking to deepen the kiss even more, when I feel his body suddenly stiffen beneath mine.  
  
Breaking the kiss I look up into his slightly confused gaze. I can feel myself start to blush as the look of sleep and confusion is replaced with one of recognition and remembrance. I duck my head slightly, biting at my lower lip. I know I should say something, but I don't know what. Come on think. Say something, anything.  
  
Not knowing what else to say I merely whisper. "Ohayo."  
  
With the uttering of that one word all traces of sleep vanish from his continence. His body is shaking slightly beneath mine, his jaw clenching as he closes his eyes for a moment. When they open they are hard, showing no emotion, cold like the ice of winter.  
  
Slowly he reaches up resting the palm of his right hand lightly against my cheek and I lean slightly into that touch. Gently he runs his hand down along the curve of my neck and along my shoulder, stopping briefly to brush his fingers over the spot he had bitten. Then without any hesitation he pushes me roughly off him. I cry out at the unexpected gesture, tumbling to land confused on the expanse of bed to his left.  
  
Turning my head I watch as he slowly sits up, bringing one hand up to run through his hair. Puffing at the fringe of my own bangs I too sit up, drawing the black silk sheets around my waist, glowering slightly at them. Well, that wasn't exactly the response I was hoping for after a bout of passionate sex. Hmm.maybe he's just not a morning person.  
  
When I turn to face Seto again I find him sitting on the edge of the bed, his back turned towards me and his head bowed. I finger at the sheets nervously for a moment before moving up behind him. I kiss the back of his neck gently as I wrap my arms around his waist, pulling his trembling body into a tight embrace.  
  
He stiffens once more at the touch before rising to stand. As my arms slip from around him I bring them up to wrap around myself. I can feel tears threaten to surface as I watch him grab at his pants, quickly pulling them on, but I force them back.  
  
"Seto."  
  
"No." He turns to face me and I cringe slightly at the emotion in his eyes. Anger. Pure Anger. But beneath that lay another emotion, one that hurts infinitely more than just anger alone, betrayal. "Don't.don't say my name. Don't say anything. I want you out, now."  
  
No, it's not supposed to be this way. It's not supposed to.  
  
"Please, please Seto let me."  
  
"I don't want to hear it, Yami! You got your damn prize, now get the fuck out of my house!!" With that he turns, stalking out of the room and all I can do is watch him go. I can feel the tears now falling freely from my eyes, I can feel them, but I no longer care. All I care about is the person now leaving me, and the look of anger and betrayal that had been in his eyes.  
  
No. It can't end like this.  
  
"Seto, please wait!!" Screaming I sit bolt upright, hand outstretched to someone who is not there. Where.? For a moment I'm lost, not knowing where I am, before the familiar surroundings sink into my over taxed mind. Home, I'm home.  
  
Bringing my hands up to rub at my sweat soaked face I fall backwards to lay once again on my bed. I've had the same dream now for the last five years, no not a dream, a memory. I only wish it were a dream. If it were just a dream then I could still have hope, but it's not and over the past five years since that damned night my hope has died only to be reborn and die again.  
  
I wish that I could say that I regret that night, but I can't. I may regret what I did, I may regret the result of what I did, but I do not regret what I had shared with Seto that night. That I could never regret nor forget.  
  
I can still feel his lips pressed to mine, can still taste their sweetness. The saltiness of his skin, the way his body moved against mine, the feeling of completeness that I had felt in his arms, I can still feel all of it. The dream.it's always so real.a little too real.  
  
Grimacing I wipe away any traces of tears and throw my covers off me. Standing I quickly grab some clean clothes and head for the bathroom. Once there I strip out of my soiled boxers regarding them with disgust. Damn dream. Throwing them into the corner I step into the shower turning on the water as hot as my body can stand it.  
  
What the hell had I been thinking that day? Why, why did I have to challenge him to that stupid game? Why did he have to accept.? Sliding down the wall of the shower I sit on the floor wrapping my arms around my knees as I draw them up to my chest. I can feel fresh tears falling down my cheeks, mixing with the water from the shower as it rains down gently onto me. That's it isn't it? I challenged because I knew he would accept. I changed the rules hoping that he would accept. Reaching up I wipe at my tears. I called him a coward, when it is I that am the coward. Sobbing I lay my head upon my knees remembering that day.  
  
****  
  
"A duel?" Seto asks his eyes lighting with anticipation for a chance to try and beat me at a game.  
  
He has gotten much better with dealing with his losses to me, instead thinking of them as chances to study my strategies, to learn how I play and to better his own skills, fine-tuning his already too keen mind, adapting it to my style of dueling. Each time I play him it gets harder to win, soon I'm not sure that I'll be able to hold him off. His victory over me in a duel is imminent. That is why I have to move now. That is why I cannot lose this duel. All of my planning rides on this victory.  
  
"Yes, I challenge you, Seto Kaiba, to a duel." He snorts at the use of his full name, his arms coming up to cross over his chest. I start to smile at the display, but turn the expression into one of serious contemplation instead. "However, I wish to change the rules."  
  
His eyebrow arches in response to this, but other wise he offers no other reaction.  
  
Crossing my own arms over my chest I regard him for a moment. I cannot let him see how nervous I am. I could lose everything; all of my planning would be for nothing if he refuses to play under my terms. Making sure that I present myself to him in the manner I'm always in when I duel, I allow just the hint of a smile to show. "The Victor of this duel will get to claim a prize from the loser. No matter what it is the vanquished must concede. Do we have a deal?"  
  
His head lowers just a bit, a frown pulling at his lips and I can feel my heart skip a beat. I was hoping that his eagerness to duel me would override any sense of wariness on his part. I can see the gears turning in his mind, fitting every piece together, considering every possible outcome or repercussion to this duel.  
  
I can feel panic starting to rise within me and quickly push it back down. He doesn't know, there's no way he could know, he wouldn't even consider it as a possibility. Taking a calming breath I await his answer.  
  
After a moment his head rises, his perpetual scowl now firmly back in place. "Alright, I agree to your terms."  
  
"Do you swear on your honor?" The words had left my mouth before I was even aware of them.  
  
He stiffens, his eyes narrowing slightly and I know that he has taken offense at my outburst. I curse myself for a fool as his jaw tightens then relaxes. "I would hope Yami that you would think a little more highly of me. I would not go back on my word, but if it'll make you feel any better then I swear it."  
  
Letting go of the breath I'd been unknowingly holding, I smile at him. "I meant no offense Kaiba, I know that you would not go back on your word."  
  
Truth was, I was counting on it.  
  
Snorting he turns away from me leading the way to the dueling arena. Only Seto Kaiba would set one of those up in his house I muse shaking my head in amusement before moving to follow.  
  
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The duel was long and hard, but in the end I arose as the victor. Not that Seto made it easy; no he had put up a very good fight. For a while I had actually thought that I would lose. But by some unseen miracle I did not, and for that I was grateful.  
  
"Good game Yami, but next time you won't be so fortunate."  
  
"I know." I whisper, smiling softly. Now how to bring up the subject of.hey, where does he think he's going?  
  
"Seto!" I yell out at his retreating form.  
  
He stops turning slightly back towards me, raising one eyebrow in silent question.  
  
"Aren't you forgetting something?" I ask a little exasperated.  
  
He seems to consider this for a moment before turning fully around and walking back to where I'm standing.  
  
"Sorry, not used to your new rules." Reaching into his coat pocket he pulls out his deck and takes one card from it handing it to me. "Here take the damn Dragon."  
  
Wha.? Blinking I just stare at the card he had just given to me, one of his Blue Eyes. "Seto, I don't want your Dragon, although I must admit it is very tempting."  
  
Shrugging he quickly snatches the card back out of my hand, placing it once more into his deck. "Then how much?"  
  
"What?" Now I'm totally confused.  
  
"If you don't want the Dragon then you must want money, so how much?"  
  
"Seto, I don't want any of your money either."  
  
Now it was Seto's turn to look confused. I could almost see all of his current thoughts suddenly stop and change direction, absorbing this new information and searching for a solution, for anything else that he has that I might want.  
  
I swallow nervously, gathering my courage to speak when I see his eyes widen slightly as he looks at me.  
  
"You are not getting my company." He states coldly.  
  
"I don't want your damned company Seto!" I yell, now agitated.  
  
"Then what the hell do you want?!" He yells back, clearly frustrated that I didn't want anything that I should want, that anyone else would have wanted.  
  
Taking a deep breath I recompose myself and look at him coolly. "I want you."  
  
He freezes at that, a look of complete and utter shock plain on his face. He swallows lightly trying to cover up his unease and whispers softly, uncertainly. "Me.?"  
  
I straighten up looking more fully at him. "Yes you or to be more precise I want one night, this night."  
  
His jaw clenches in anger as he stiffens, rising up to his full height. "I am not some goddamned piece of meat you can just."  
  
"Remember your promise Seto." Anger is now evident in my own voice as well, but I won't allow it to rise. Crossing my arms over my chest I continue to stare coolly at him. I refuse to lose control and thus lose him.  
  
His mouth snaps shut as he glares at me before turning on his heel, stalking towards the door.  
  
"Coward!" I yell after him. "You have no honor Kaiba!"  
  
He stops dead in his tracks at that, his shoulders visibly shaking with the anger that coursed through him. I had expected this anger, but I refuse to let it stop me. I will show him and he will see, I will make him see.  
  
He turns his head slightly looking over his shoulder back at me. "And what exactly were you planning to do with me and this.night?"  
  
I can feel myself start to blush furiously as I glare at the floor unable to look directly at him. From the corner of my eye I can see his own eyes closing as his head lowers slightly, the light brown fringe of his hair falling forward as he does so.  
  
"I see." He whispers softly, before straightening once more. "Very well, I will honor my promise to you, but first there is some business I have to take care of." With that he starts for the door once more, this time I say not a word, but follow silently behind.  
  
--------  
  
As we pass through Seto's office he twirls his long trenchcoat off, nearly hitting me with it in the process, before throwing it at his desk. Running a hand through his hair he glances back at me cursing quietly under his breath.  
  
Reaching the landing to the stairs he stops, taking a deep breath before yelling. "Mokuba!"  
  
Receiving no answer he curses again, running a hand through his hair and after glancing back once more at me starts up the stairs, pulling the edge of his black button up shirt out of his pants as he does so.  
  
"Mokuba!!"  
  
Still following silently behind him I cringe a bit at the loudness of his voice as it echoes throughout the Kaiba mansion. More curses flow from his mouth, some in languages that I didn't even know existed, as we continue to ascend the stairs to the second floor. You would think that with a house this big, with so many stairs that he would at least invest in an elevator. I'm drawn out of my musings as Seto glances back at me nervously. He starts as if to run his hand through his hair once more before deliberately stopping the action, instead letting his hand run along the top of the railing. The gesture I realize is one of nervous habit and immediately becomes endeared to my heart.  
  
"MOKUBA!!!"  
  
I grimace softly, willing the ringing in my head to stop as we finally reach the landing to the second floor.  
  
"MOKUBA I SWEAR IF YOU DO NOT GET YOUR."  
  
"I'm here, I'm here!" shouts an exhausted looking Mokuba, who was slowly making his way towards us from around a bend in the hallway. "I was all the way."  
  
"Pack your stuff you're staying over at Jason's tonight."  
  
"What? Why?" Mokuba asks, confusion written all over his childish features.  
  
"Because I said so." Seto grinds out between clinched teeth.  
  
Ech.I can't believe he just said that and apparently neither could Mokuba who just continued to stand in front of us, unmoving. I never understood why parents or elder siblings thought that that was a perfect excuse for everything.  
  
After taking a deep breath Seto kneels down so that he is more on Mokuba's level and reaching up he ruffles Mokuba's hair playfully. "Sorry Mokuba, it's just that something's come up and I'm going to be having some unexpected quests over and I would rather not have you here. You know how business can get right?"  
  
Mokuba nods slowly remembering this one time when Seto had actually thrown one of his executives out of one of the second floor windows.  
  
"Good, now go pack." straightening up Seto steps around Mokuba, who after a moment takes off yelling in joy down the hall. I continue to watch Mokuba for a moment before, turning my attention back to Seto who was currently disappearing around a bend in the hall. Quickly I move to catch up, not wanting to let him out of my sight for a moment longer.  
  
At length we find ourselves in what looks to be another office. Just how many offices does he need anyway? Mumbling to himself Seto walks up to the desk, picks up the phone that lay upon it and starts to dial a number.  
  
"Yes, can I speak with Mr. Eriks please? Seto Kaiba." Apparently waiting for this Mr. Eriks, Seto starts to move things around on his desk nervously. It really is strange to see him in such an agitated state; hopefully I can remedy that. Smiling I wonder over to a shelf of books glancing over their tittles, only half listening to what Seto was doing.  
  
"Yes, Mr. Eriks? I'm fine thank you. Look, I just found out that I'm going to have some unexpected business guests over and we will probably be up all night working and things could get ugly, you know how it is and I would prefer it if Mokuba were not around to witness any un-pleasantries and was wondering if it might be alright for him to stay over with Jason tonight? He can, great. Do you think you could come over and get him? The sooner the better. Twenty minutes? Great. Thank you, bye."  
  
Turning I walk after Seto, who is already moving back down the hallway to the stairs.  
  
"You didn't ask first."  
  
He glances over his shoulder at me, as we make our way back down the stairs.  
  
"You told Mokuba he was staying with this Jason before you asked. Why didn't you ask first?"  
  
"I don't need to ask, it's just a formality."  
  
I stop for a moment, before quickly starting back down the stairs again. At least Seto had answered my question instead of continuing to ignore me. "I still don't understand."  
  
"He would have said 'yes'."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
Stopping he turns back glaring at me. "Because if he didn't I would run him and his company into the ground."  
  
That said he turns back around and continues to stomp down the stairs.  
  
"You know you're cute when you're angry."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
--------  
  
Ok, so maybe that last comment wasn't the smartest thing in the world to say. Sighing I quickly duck out of the way of a coat as it comes flying out of a closet. If I'd known he was going to crawl into a closet and start throwing things at me I would have kept my mouth shut.  
  
"Damn it, where the hell is it. Owww, you stupid." Promptly a briefcase is thrown violently out of said closet nearly taking my head off and subsequently breaking a vase standing on a table behind me.  
  
"Do you need any help in there?" Cautiously I begin to move closer to the closet door when the doorbell rings.  
  
"No I don't need any help, now get the damn door!"  
  
Shooting the closet a rather nasty look I take a step forward towards the front door only to be hit in the face by another coat as it comes flying out of the closet. Scowling I throw the coat aside, quickly moving out of the line of fire. Faintly I can hear the sound of snickering coming from within the closets depths.  
  
Opening the door I am faced with a young man, with thin wire glasses, probably in his mid-twenties to early thirties. He opens his mouth to speak but promptly closes it as more curses drift back to us.  
  
Smiling brightly I take the initiative. "Mr. Eriks?"  
  
He nods his head slightly, looking over my head warily into the rooms' confines. Stepping aside I usher him in, quietly closing the door behind him. His eyes grow wider as he takes in the various clothing, objects and glass that littered the floor.  
  
Clearing his throat he turns back to me. "Is Mr. Kaiba here?"  
  
Sighing I simply point to the open closet as another object is thrown out, hitting the wall with a resounding thud. Mr. Eriks pales visibly as his eyes move from the closet to me and back again.  
  
"Hah!! Found you, you good for nothing." the rest of Seto's words are cut off as he stumbles out of the closet, nearly falling as a coat tangles around his leg. Hopping on one foot for a moment he quickly untangles the coat and throws it violently back into the closet. Seeing the two of us standing by the door he straightens, moving the jacket he held to his left hand and coming up to us, reaches out with his right to shake Mr. Eriks hand.  
  
"I'm glad that you could come over on such short notice. I hope that I haven't inconvenienced you too much."  
  
"Not at all." Mr. Eriks replies, straightening his glasses. "Jason enjoys Mokuba's company so much that I couldn't possibly refuse. I consider it an honor that you would even think of asking me to watch over him."  
  
I raise an eyebrow as I watch the two of them exchange more words, both perfectly composed and business like in manner. No trace of Seto's previous agitation or of Mr. Eriks shock could now be seen. After shaking Mr. Eriks hand once more Seto turns, making his way over to the base of the stairs and after taking a deep breath yells. "Mokuba!!"  
  
After a few moments Seto glowers at the stairs and going up a few steps he bellows once more. "MOKUBA!!!"  
  
"I'm.I'm coming." Yells Mokuba as he swings around the corner of the stairs, then yelps as he loses his footing falling-scooting the rest of the way down the stairs on his butt.  
  
"Oww." He whispers softly as he reaches the bottom of the stairs. Standing he rubs gingerly at his rear.  
  
Scowling Seto grabs the backpack Mokuba had lost in his descent. "What have I told you about running down the stairs?"  
  
"That I'll fall and break my neck." Mokuba answers, smiling sheepishly up at his big brother.  
  
Sighing Seto kneels down handing Mokuba his backpack. "Exactly. Don't do it again, k? I don't want you to hurt yourself."  
  
"Ok." Mokuba whispers. "I won't. I promise."  
  
"Be careful what you promise Mokuba." Seto murmurs, shooting me a discreet look full of suppressed anger.  
  
Mokuba confused by his brothers' words started to ask what he had meant when Seto ruffled his hair and handed him a jacket before standing. "I want you to behave yourself Mokuba, be good and wear the jacket. I don't want you to catch a cold or anything."  
  
Smiling Mokuba simply hugged his brother, and then holding the jacket close moved over to Mr. Eriks, Seto following not far behind.  
  
"Take good care of him." Seto says as Mr. Eriks takes Mokuba's backpack, giving him a look that stated he would pay dearly if he didn't. Mr. Eriks paled once more before nodding and leading Mokuba to his car.  
  
Closing the door behind them Seto turns, favoring me with another scowl before cursing under his breath. Running a hand through his hair he moves past me, through the glass and clothes that littered the floor, moving further into the house. Turning I simply follow.  
  
--------  
  
"Shouldn't you call your other?" Seto mumbles back to me as we enter a large kitchen.  
  
"No, Yugi already knows I won't be home tonight."  
  
"Does he now." He replies coldly, glancing at me from over his shoulder as he moves over to a large refrigerator.  
  
I choose not to reply, instead moving to sit on one of many stools that flank a long wooden counter set into the middle of the room. Taking a seat I watch as he leans into the refrigerators confines, looking over its various contents.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"Want?"  
  
"To eat. What do you want to eat?"  
  
"Oh.It doesn't matter. Whatever you want is fine."  
  
I watch in mild surprise as he grunts and starts to take various items out of the fridge, lining them on another counter. I never in a million years would have thought that Seto could cook. I, as well as everyone else, assumed that he had a private cook, but come to think of it one never did see any kind of servant or butler at the Kaiba mansion, not even security. It would make sense then that he would cook for himself.  
  
Leaning onto the counter I prop my chin in one hand and watch as he takes a knife and starts to cut some of the ingredients he had laid out, his hands moving with perfect precision. Thus I watched him the entire time. He was so absorbed into what he was doing and in his own thoughts that other than a few glances my way here or there he really didn't seem to notice my presence at all.  
  
When it is finally done he fixes both our plates and setting mine before me takes a seat at the opposite side of the counter, a little off to my right. Picking up a fork I take a tentative bite, before digging in. Even though I don't necessarily have to eat to survive, it does taste rather good and besides Seto had made it.  
  
Looking up I find that, other than pushing the food around a bit, he hasn't touched it. I take another bite, watching him as he continues to stare off into space with a rather pensive expression. Sighing he looks down at his plate before picking it up and after scrapping its contents into the trash places it into the sink. Nimbly he snags a spoon out of a holder in the other side of the sink as he makes his way back to the fridge.  
  
"Dessert?" He asks back at me as he opens the cooler reaching inside its depths. My mouth full I simply nod 'no' in answer. Shrugging he pulls out a box of what looks to be ice cream from the cooler, before closing it.  
  
As he comes back to the counter, setting the carton down, I can see that it is indeed ice cream. Ice cream that is at least three different flavors of chocolate. That can't be good. I nearly gag as he pops the lid of the carton off, reaching in with his spoon to gather a large amount of the ice cream up and sticks it into his mouth, not even bothering to get a bowl. Sighing he rests his chin in his left hand as he stares off into space once more, still using his right hand to bring spoonful after spoonful of the rich dessert to his mouth.  
  
After about ten minutes of watching this I decide that it has to stop and laying my fork down rise to move around the counter. He freezes in mid- motion, spoon poised between the carton and his mouth, as I do so. His eyes never leave me as I move around the counter, making my way slowly over to him. His complete lack of motion reminding me of what people say a deer caught in headlights looks like; trapped between the need to flee and the fear that holds it.  
  
"You're going to make yourself sick." I whisper, reaching out to grasp lightly at the wrist of his right hand. Bringing his hand up I slip the spoon into my mouth, savoring the sweet taste of the ice cream as it melts on my tongue.  
  
He turns slightly towards me as I set the spoon onto the counter, an almost panicked look quickly crossing his features. I smile warmly at him as I bring my right hand up to the back of his neck. Stepping closer I nuzzle his throat, allowing my free hand to slide up his right leg, brushing my fingers briefly over his groin. His paralysis releases its hold then as he jumps, nearly falling off the stool. I laugh softly against his throat, moving my hand back down his leg and then up again. As my hand nears his groin once more he slides back off the stool, to stand, quickly untangling me from him.  
  
I can't help but laugh as I look up into his flushed face.  
  
"Shy?" I murmur softly, moving towards him once more. With each step that I take he takes one as well, slowly backing away from me.  
  
As his back hits the wall behind him, he closes his eyes and takes a breath, waiting. He doesn't have to wait long. Leaning up I begin to kiss lightly at his exposed neck as I run my hands up, under his shirt, playing over the curve of muscle. I can feel his heart racing under my lips as I bring one hand down, brushing over him lightly. He jerks once more at the touch, backing harder up against the wall. I moan pressing my body firmly against his. I can feel myself start to harden as I rub gently up against him, can feel his body in turn reacting as well to the stimulus.  
  
Biting my lip I lean up to whisper huskily into his ear. "I don't think that the counter would be very comfortable."  
  
He stiffens slightly, his head lowering as I once again kiss his neck.  
  
--------  
  
An untold number of stairs later finds us on the third floor, entering a very large bedroom.  
  
My heart races as I look at the giant bed pressed against the wall in the center of the room. Walking up Seto moves to stand at the end of the bed, reaching out to run his fingers lightly over the black silk that covers it. As he turns to face me I find it hard to move, hard to breath. I've awaited this moment for so long.  
  
Now that the dream is reality I find all of my earlier assertiveness downstairs vanish. I feel myself blush as I look around the room, look at anything other than the bed and the man standing before it. My eyes however, are drawn back to Seto as he begins to take his shoes off, an unreadable expression on his face.  
  
Slightly embarrassed I turn my back to him and slowly begin to remove my clothes; faintly I can hear him doing the same behind me. My breath catches as I hear the covers tossed back and the sound of Seto's body as it settles onto the bed.  
  
Swallowing I turn.  
  
****  
  
"Hey, Yami are you almost done in there? We're going to be late."  
  
"I'll be out in a few." I answer weakly, reaching out to turn off the spray of water. Rising I step out of the shower drying off quickly.  
  
Throwing the towel into the hamper I wipe away the steam that has gathered onto the mirror. As my image becomes clear I regard myself. My features have changed little if at all in the past five years.  
  
Yugi has changed; he has grown taller, not by much, but still taller and had cut his hair a few years back. At twenty-one he is still as gentle and kind as ever, now spending much of his time helping his grandpa run the game shop.  
  
We or rather I had decided along time ago to remain in two forms. As Yugi grew older I found that he needed me less and the solitude of my own body seemed comforting to me.  
  
As my eyes travel over my features they inevitably move to rest on my shoulder. Reaching up I run my fingers lightly over the scar on my left shoulder - a constant reminder of what had happened once I had turned around that night, of what I could never have again. At the time I had thought his bite was one of love and passion, now I think it was just in retaliation to what I was doing to him.  
  
Sighing I turn and slowly begin to get dressed.  
  
After that night Seto wouldn't even talk to me. He wouldn't even talk to Yugi, when he had asked him why he had suddenly started to avoid me. And avoid me he did. If I came into the same room as him he would quickly excuse himself and leave, if I managed to get close enough to him to speak he would push roughly past me.  
  
Once he had given me the courtesy of hearing me out and then had promptly and violently slammed his door in my face.  
  
After that day I had resigned myself to watching him from afar. For five years I have contented myself with mere glimpses. And at twenty-two he is still as beautiful as he ever was.  
  
I had thought that I had won by winning that game five years ago, but in reality in even choosing to play that game I had lost. All that was won was a bittersweet victory, a victory that in its self, in its nature was a defeat.  
  
Once again I am brought out of my musings as Yugi knocks on the bathroom door. "Yami, come on if we don't hurry we're going to be late. I told Mokuba we'd be there at nine." After a moment he adds, "You're going to miss your chance to see Seto."  
  
Smiling I pull my shirt on over my head and open the bathroom door. "Not if I can help it."  
  
--------  
  
There was a big party at Mokuba's school today that was supposed to last the whole day, which was perfect. Seto had promised Mokuba that he would be there to help out or something, which meant that he couldn't just skip out on me. A fact Yugi had happily pointed out to me when Mokuba had told him that Seto would be there.  
  
Over the past five years Yugi had figured out that I liked Seto and had at first seemed quite adamant about finding out what had made him all of a sudden hate me. A fact, which if I had anything to do about it, he would never learn. He had even went so far as to ask Mokuba once if he knew what had happened between us. Thankfully, it seemed, Seto had not told anyone else about that night either. So Yugi has had to be content with simply knowing that I had screwed up big time and he seems to enjoy helping me find chances to just look at Seto, if nothing else. I think deep down he believes that there could someday be a reconciliation between us. He really is too cute in his naiveté.  
  
"Do you see him?" I ask, looking through the mass of people as they swarm around us.  
  
"No, but I do see Mokuba, so he can't be too far off. Come on."  
  
Moving through the crowd we slowly begin to make our way over to where Mokuba stood. Catching sight of us he waves and moves to meet us halfway.  
  
"Hey, Yugi, Yami how have you guys been? I haven't seen you in awhile."  
  
As Yugi starts talking excitedly with him about everything and nothing at the same time I simply stand back, content with observing and keeping one eye open for Seto, should he decide to show up. Mokuba, who is now seventeen, stands maybe a foot taller than Yugi; apparently Seto got all the height in the family. He still has his hair long, but now wears it back into a loose ponytail. He's also still very hyper, he and Yugi could go at it for hours, just talking and talking and talking.  
  
I find my feet slowly taking me away from their senseless banter, to stand alone under a Sakura tree. Sighing I lean against its bark, allowing my eyes to drift closed.  
  
"Seto! Seto!"  
  
Opening my eyes at the name I look back to where Mokuba and Yugi are standing. I can see Seto making his way slowly towards them, stopping for a moment he looks around. Probably looking for me. As if to reaffirm my suspicion his eyes light briefly on me, before turning away as he starts towards them once more. Sitting down I fold my arms atop my knees and rest my head upon them, content as always to simply watch.  
  
I know that he knows that I'm watching him. He shifts uncomfortably every so often, his eyes coming up to glance in my direction. He is doing so now and I look into his eyes, still seeing the hurt in their deep depths. His eyes turn from me once more as Mokuba grabs his arm, pulling him back into the crowd. I don't watch him go, instead closing my eyes.  
  
I am jerked out of my thoughts some time later as I hear both Seto and Yugi scream out Mokuba's name. Looking up I watch as Seto runs towards Mokuba, who simply stares, frozen in terror at the car heading straight for him.  
  
All sound seems to stop as I jump to my feet and race head long into the crowd, my eyes glued onto Seto as he reaches out for Mokuba. Sound rushes back to me with the high screeching of brakes and the unmistakable sound of metal hitting flesh accompanied by that of breaking glass. My heart stops as I continue to run, no longer able to see either one of them, but knowing that one if not both of them where hit.  
  
I can hear other people screaming now as they realize that something has happened, but I simply push past them. As I push my way through the edge of the crowd I can see the car from earlier tear down the street. Looking to where the car had come from I can see Yugi frantically talking on his cell phone as he runs towards the two forms that lay still in the middle of the road.  
  
I cry out running forward. I can see Mokuba start to sit up shakily, and then cry out reaching for Seto as Yugi comes up holding him back. This only makes me run faster, I can feel the sting of tears as they fall from my eyes, blurring my vision.  
  
I ignore both Mokuba and Yugi as I fall to my hands and knees by Seto's side, scrapping them roughly against the concrete. I can already see blood pooling around his body and hesitate for just an instant before shakily reaching out and turning him over. There is blood everywhere; he is covered in it.  
  
I can hear myself crying out to him as I reach out pressing my fingers firmly against his throat searching for a pulse, for any sign of life. Faintly I feel it, it's so weak.too weak.  
  
"Please.please don't leave me." I choke out, bringing my hands up to rest on either side of his face, blood washing over them as it falls in a steady stream from his mouth. "No.Seto.Seto please." I run my fingers through his hair, as I feel him starting to slip away, frantically trying to get him to open his eyes, to respond to me, to hold on.  
  
Faintly I can hear sirens in the background.  
  
--------  
  
I watch, tears falling silently from my eyes, through the clear window into the room they had rushed Seto into. I can see Yugi's and Mokuba's reflection in the glass as they sit in the chairs lining the hallway behind me. Silently Yugi holds Mokuba against him rocking him gently back and forth. Mokuba it seems was pushed out of the cars path just in time, escaping with some minor scrapes and bruises. Seto, who had taken the full force of the hit, wasn't so lucky.  
  
The doctors are yelling back and forth to each other as they frantically rush about Seto's body. I silently pray that he will be alright. I can't help but feel that in some way I'm responsible, that if I hadn't pushed him away five years ago that there might have been something that I could have done to prevent this from happening. That I could have stopped Mokuba from dragging Seto back into the crowd to do whatever it was that they had done.  
  
I choke down more tears as I watch the doctors' eyes, eyes that are now as panicked as my own. Closing my own eyes I rest my forehead against the glass, concentrating on the soft 'beep' of the heart rate monitor, as it drifts out of the room to me. Holding onto that sound.  
  
As the beeping starts to increase, coming faster, I can feel my own heart speed up. A sob racks violently through my body as the sound starts to run together, before forming into one long merciless shriek.  
  
Then all goes silent.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------  
  
More A/N: You know I really wish I knew why I have this really strong desire to hurt or in this case kill all of my fav characters. Yes, Seto is dead. -_-; It's really weird.  
  
Also I would like to say sorry if the lemon totally sucked. This is my first time even attempting to write one. Umm..Also I would like to thank everyone who takes the time to read and review this story. THANK YOU. ^_^ 


	2. BV Chapter 02

Disclaimer:  *pouts* 

Warnings:  Angst. Guilt. Yaoi

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bittersweet Victory II 

The mingling of breaths …

The breathlessness of a kiss…

The caress of skin…

The dance of lovers…

The feel of blood running down my skin…

A look of longing…

A look of pain…

A cry of fear…

Silence in answer…

The feel of blood running down my skin…

A tear of sorrow…

A shrieking cry…

A scream of loss…

Lost in silence…

Silence consumed by darkness…

I can feel the darkness around me, pulling me deeper into its depths.  I don't fight it, but let it carry me where it will.  Here I feel nothing.  I hear nothing.  This does not worry me, for I do not wish to feel.

To feel the pain of his loss, heralded by that shrieking cry… He left me… No, not left…taken…he was taken from me… No…no, that can't be right either… He couldn't have been taken… He wasn't mine… He hated me… But, that doesn't matter anymore…because…because I killed him… He's gone.  He's dead.  He died and he left me.  Seto died… Seto's dead… I killed him… It's all my fault.

I can feel the darkness pulse around me, can feel it changing.  Perhaps it senses my mood and hears my thoughts.  It knows what I've done and deems me unworthy of its emptiness, of this numbness that I crave.  Faintly I can hear…something.  The sound of something falling…like the soft drip of rain.  Opening my eyes I look into the darkness, watch as it morphs around me.  Colors seep from its blackness, swirling and then taking shape. 

I find myself standing outside of Seto's home.  A twisted parody, it looms before me.  The colors run together, the shapes and definitions of the structure shifting as if uncertain that this is the true form they should take.  I turn towards the front door as the steady sound of liquid dripping comes from within.

I continue to stare blankly at it for what could be hours, but here time does not matter, so when I move I do so slowly.

As I approach the door it dissolves, the colors that gave it shape melting into the darkness.  Slowly I enter.  I can hear the sound now more clearly, coming from farther within the houses depths.

Silently I move forward, seeking out that sound.  Vaguely I feel the crunching of glass beneath me and looking down am faced with shards of swirling color.  The colors dance across the floor, taking the shape of glass or what looks to be clothing of some sort.  Wrapping my arms tightly around myself I close my eyes, forcing back tears.  I know this place…I know this scene… Choking down a sob I whisper. "Go away…"

I can feel a strong wind suddenly build up, pushing against me, can feel the darkness beginning to shift once more.

As the wind dies I cry out, my eyes snapping open, as a door slams closed behind me.  Turning I am faced with a closet.  Taking a step back I become aware that the glass and clothing that had littered the floor moments earlier are gone.  Looking around I find that the colors have stopped moving; the shapes stopped shifting.  Now I stand not in a parody, but in an exact replica.  Everything now is how it should be.  How it had been.

I hug my arms more tightly about me as I turn my back to the closet door, moving forward towards the sound that had drawn me here.  A sound that now pounds more heavily in the air. 

As I continue to move farther into the house, I become increasingly aware of where exactly it is I'm heading.  As I reach the doors that lead into the large kitchen I stop.  The sound is coming from beyond the doors, loud in my ears.  I hesitate for a moment, considering turning back and leaving this place.  This place full of memories, both pleasant and painful.  Being here…at this place…at this time…will only bring pain and sorrow and regret.  I know this, just as I know what awaits me beyond these doors…who awaits me…

I close my eyes briefly, taking a deep breath, before stepping forward into the kitchen.  As I pass over the threshold the dripping sound lessens in volume, no longer pounding in the air, but falling softly.  My heart aches as I look towards the source of the sound and I desperately try to hold off my tears as I'm faced with another all to familiar scene… 

Seto looks up at me, smiling gently.  He's sitting on a stool at the counter in the middle of the kitchen.  Before him sits a carton, and in his hand a spoon.  Something is dripping off the side of the spoon as it hovers between Seto and the carton; the source of the sound I'd been following.  

I sniff lightly, wrapping my arms more tightly around me, as I start to move slowly towards him.  His smile softens, brightening as I step forward, and he motions towards a stool across from him, slightly off to his right.  Lowering my gaze I slide onto the indicated stool, our positions well known to me for what they are.  

"I've been waiting for you." He says softly, dipping the spoon into the carton. "Want some?"

I try not to choke as I glance down at the spoon.  Blood fills it, slowly dripping off its sides, into the carton below.  Wrenching my eyes away from the spoon I look instead into his eyes.  They're dead eyes, cold and slightly filmed over.  He frowns slightly, feigning hurt at my reaction and subsequent rejection.  After a moment he shrugs and pops the spoon into his mouth. "Your loss."

As he pulls the spoon out of his mouth, reaching down to dip it into the carton once more, I study him.  His skin, which was always paler then most, was now nearly completely devoid of all color.  His eyes with each passing second lost more of their beautiful blue hue, slowly turning milky white as the film that covered them thickened.  His hair, which had been as soft as it had once looked, now hung heavily about his face, matted together in clumps of dried blood.

Noticing me watching him he drops the spoon into the carton, and resting his elbows on the counter interlaces his fingers, laying his chin upon them.  His head tilts slightly to the left as he regards me with a thoughtful almost…loving expression.  I shiver, quickly looking way. 

His eyebrows arch lightly as he shrugs, moving with the gesture.  Allowing his hands to fall he straightens, rising from his stool.  Slowly he begins to walk around the counter towards me, running his fingers lightly over its surface as he does so.  I want to get up, to run, but I can't.  I find myself fixated with his movements.  Not the halting movements of the dead portrayed in movies, but fluid, as graceful in death as he was in life.  

"I thought you wouldn't come…" He whispers softly, now standing mere inches away from me.  I can feel a tear slide down my cheek as I look up at him.  He frowns, his milky white eyes moving to follow the tear, even though by all rights he shouldn't be able to see at all.  I sob quietly, forcing myself not to flinch as he reaches up with his right hand to gently brush the tear away.  I want to cry out as his skin brushes against mine, it's so cold, numbing in its lack of warmth.

Tilting his head slightly he moves his fingers along the line of my jaw and up over my lips, caressing them gently.  He leans forward slightly and I lean back, not wanting him to touch me anymore than he already has.  Smiling softly he reaches back, tangling his fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck, effectively holding me in place.  I bring my hands up, grabbing at his arm, trying to get him to release me.  I can feel tears falling freely from my eyes now as he brushes the fingers of his left hand lightly over my cheek.  Letting go of his arm with my right hand, I push roughly against his shoulder, trying desperately to push him away from me.

"Shy?" He murmurs softly, leaning in closer to me, bringing his lips closer to my own.

I cry harder as he speaks that one word, my breath coming in ragged gasps as I choke, sobbing.  I want desperately for him to stop and as his lips almost come into contact with my own, I hold my breath, unable to look away as his eyes flutter half close.  His lips mere centimeters from mine he stops and there is no air between us.  No stirring of breath.  

My mind screams at me with this realization, even though I'd known on some level that he wasn't breathing.  The dead don't breathe.  But to be this close to him, to have his lips so near my own and not feel his breath wash over me, chills my blood, making me shudder slightly in his grasp. 

His eyelashes flutter lightly as I shudder and he slowly moves to the right, bringing his lips up to brush gently over my ear. "Come."

With the uttering of that one word, so soft I'd barely heard it, he straightens, releasing me from his grasp.  As his fingers leave my hair I take in a shaky breath of air, trying to get my heart to calm its wild flight.  He takes a step back, away from me before turning, walking towards the kitchen door.  Stopping halfway he turns settling those lifeless eyes on me, …waiting.

Taking in another shaky breath I reach up wiping at my tears, before moving off the stool and stepping hesitantly in his direction.  He smiles once more as he reaches out with his right hand, offering it to me.  Sniffling, I stop just out of his reach, raising my fingers to brush over his lightly before bringing my hand to my chest.  His smile broadens at this, seemingly amused, and letting his hand fall once more to his side, he turns walking for the door.  Silently I follow behind. 

--------

An untold number of stairs later finds us on the third floor heading towards a room I could never forget and don't want to go anywhere near right at this moment.

As Seto reaches out to open the door to his bedroom I can feel panic start to rise within me.  I do not want to go in there.  I do not want Seto to go in there.  I do not want us to go in there.  The scene from the kitchen replaying in my mind, I do the only thing I can think of to do.  Reaching out I lay my hand lightly on his, barely touching it, but enough so to stop him from turning the handle. "Seto…"

He turns slightly towards me, his dead eyes staring intently into my own.  I shudder slightly under his gaze, releasing his hand.  "Seto…I… Why are we here?"  

He tilts his head at my question, his lashes lowering slightly.  Somehow I get the impression that he thinks that I should already know the answer. "I'm tired."

"Tired?"

"I wish to sleep…" Turning from me he opens the door, taking a step inside.  Stopping he looks back at me from over his shoulder. "Will you say a prayer for me?" Not waiting for a reply he turns, and is soon engulfed in the darkness of the rooms' shadows. 

Confused I merely stand alone, biting at my lip softly.  I don't want to have to go through what I'd gone through moments earlier in the kitchen far below.  To know that I had done that to him, to know that he had felt as I am now feeling…it hurts…

I sniff lightly, as I hesitate a moment longer, before slowly moving towards the open door.  As I step inside my eyes immediately seek out the bed I know to be here.  I am surprised however, to find a coffin in its stead.  The coffin is white, plain in its simplicity and is surrounded by vases of various white flowers.  Looking around I can see that the whole room is littered with flowers.

I can't see Seto anywhere…

Slowly my eyes drift back to the coffin, nestled peacefully in the blossoms embrace.  Sniffling I move further into the room.  As I step up to the coffin I run my hands lightly over its lid, bringing my fingers up to brush gently over the monogram of 'SK' that is carved into its center.  I can feel fresh tears well up as I trace the letters with my fingers, memorizing every curve they make in the wood.

Sobbing quietly I reach down, slowly lifting the lid.  Seto lay inside, no longer dressed in the black shirt and pants he'd been wearing earlier, but in an expensive looking white suite that only succeeded in making him look all the more ghostly in appearance.  Reaching inside I brush his hair softly from his eyes, running my fingers lightly down the side of his face.  He looks so peaceful, like he's sleeping… 

I withdraw my hand, new tears springing to my eyes.  Now I know why he'd looked at me like he did when I'd asked him why we had come here.  Why he had thought I should have known… And I should have.  I am the one who had put him here… 

Closing my eyes I sniff softly.  He'd asked if I would say a prayer for him.  I hadn't known what he'd meant at the time, but now…, now I do.  For those who rest in sleeps eternal embrace there is but one prayer.  The prayer of the dead.  

But I can't say such a prayer for him.  For in doing so he really would be dead.  I refuse to let his memory die and I refuse to dishonor that memory.  I have no right to say such a prayer for him.  My hands are soaked in his blood; it's my fault that he died, that I couldn't save him.  I won't let him die again…

I wish that the darkness would come again.  Would devour this place of pain and let me drift in its emptiness once more.  Free of sound, free of touch, free of emotion, of sorrow and pain, love and longing…

As I close my eyes I can feel my legs start to shake, and as they give out from under me I slide my hands along the side of the coffin.  Tears falling freely along my cheeks, as cold upon my flesh as Seto's touch had been.

I cry out as the darkness takes me once more.  I cry out his name.  I cry out my loss.  I cry out for his forgiveness…  Forgiveness I don't deserve and will never receive.  When there are no more words, I simply cry.

--------

For a time the darkness sooths me.  Rewrapping me in its emptiness, calming my tears and numbing my emotions.  I am grateful to it, for I no longer wish to feel the weight of my betrayal.  A betrayal which cost me everything…  I know however, that the peace it offers will not last.  It never does, for I do not deserve peace.  Even still as it slips from me, I grasp to hold onto it.

Out of the darkness a new sound emerges.  A soft sound, delicate and happy in its lilting tune.  The song of a bird.  Its cheerfulness mocks my pain, making me feel its sting anew.  Hateful little creature.  I can feel something brush up gently against me, stirring my hair and kissing my skin.  Skin which is both warm and cool all at once.  The two different sensations sending shivers of pleasure and discomfort down my spine. 

It's only when I feel something shifting against me do I stir.  

As I slowly allow my eyes to flutter open, I am greeted with the sight of softly swaying branches above me, littered in pink petals of silk.  Sunlight filters through the branches, patterning me with shifting pools of light and shadow.  A lone petal slowly drifts down to me as another breeze ruffles my hair, carrying the birds' song to me.

"You were dreaming."

Startled I try to sit fully up, but am stopped as the arms that encircle me tighten, holding me firmly against the chest I'd been leaning on.  For a moment I panic, realizing that what I'd though was the trees trunk was actually another person.  They 'shhh' at me quietly, softly nuzzling the back of my neck.

Forcing myself to calm, I take a breath and wonder at how I hadn't noticed before that I'd been leaning against someone; someone who was currently placing cool butterfly kissing along the back of my neck and shoulder.

Looking down I find myself reclining between a set of long legs, my hands resting on the outside of either side of them; the black material that covers them soft under my touch.  The arms that hold me securely against the chest behind me are similarly clad in black, the soft silk cool against my skin; the source of the coldness that mingled with the warmth of the sun.

My voice trembling, I softly whisper. "Seto…?"

"Hmm…" He nuzzles more fully at my neck, kissing me softly.

Unsure, I lean into him, enjoying the caress of his cool lips against my skin.  Was it a dream?  Had it all just been a dream?  A nightmare?  Maybe none of it had happened, or it had and…

"Seto?" I ask again, twisting in his grasp so that I might face him.  Glancing up I find myself looking into his cold white eyes as they look back down at me.  White not blue…  My breath catches and I freeze looking at him, knowing that it wasn't a dream, that it had all happened, that it was real…

My eyes could have stayed locked with his forever had a shrieking cry not torn me out of my trance.  Turning back around I look for the source of that cry and am once again frozen in shock and terror. 

Before me, like a vision, plays that awful moment in time when all hope was lost to me.  When the only thing I ever truly loved was ripped from this world.  I curse that moment, I curse that day, and I curse the arms holding me firmly in place as I struggle against them, frantically trying to get to my feet…, to stop the inevitable…  "Please…please Seto let me go…let me go…please…"

He ignores me as he shifts his dead white eyes to the scene playing out before us, his head tilting lightly to the right as he watches the car collide solidly with his body, sending it into the windshield, shattering it.  

At the sound I scream, tearing at his arms as tears fall uncontrollably from my eyes.  Leaning down he nuzzles my neck.

"Look at what you've done." He whispers softly into my shoulder.  I cry harder, my body shaking violently in his embrace as my own words flow accusingly from his lips, blaming me, condemning me for all that I have done. "Its.  All.  Your.  Fault."

With that he releases me and I fall forward into the darkness once more, his conviction echoing in the emptiness around me.  Drowning me in its truth.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------

A/N:   I would like to give special thanks to Vanyel Ashkevron,  *waves*  who has teamed up with my muse to drive me crazy.   ^_^.    

Please, R&R


	3. BV Chapter 03

Warnings: Same as previous Chapters

Disclaimer:  Yu-Gi-Oh! Does not belong to me.

------------

Bittersweet Victory III

I can feel the darkness lifting from me once more and I cry out, grabbing at its insubstantial form, willing it not to leave me.  I fear what might await me beyond this darkness, who might await me.  But no matter how much I wish it to stay it does not.  Abandoning me once more to what lies beyond its comforting numbness.  Sniffing softly, I slowly allow my tear filled eyes to open, and then sigh in relief as I'm greeted by the blank stare of a plain white wall, not a foot from my face, and not the accusing gaze of a pair of opal eyes that should've been the most alluring, captivating shade of azure known to man; flawless in their perfection and beauty.

Closing my eyes I sniff lightly, biting at my lower lip in an attempt to stave off my tears.  Slowly I regain control of myself and allow my eyes to drift open as I sit upright, looking around at my surroundings, at the contents of my room…  How did I get here?  Worrying at my lower lip I reach over to the nightstand, turning on the lamp there.  What…what if it really all had been a dream?  A terrible, terrible nightmare?

"No…" I choke softly as the light floods my room, illuminating everything in its soft glow, illuminating the small traces of blood that still linger on my hands, and on my clothes.  Someone had obviously tried to get the blood off while I slept, Yugi no doubt.  So it's true…  I really did kill him…

I ignore my tears as they start anew and, reaching out, open the top drawer of the nightstand, fumbling inside for a moment before I find what it is I'm looking for.  Wiping my nose with the back of my left hand I carefully unfold the tattered picture that I now hold in my right.  Slowly an image of Seto emerges, the faintest hint of a smile playing across his features as he leans casually against a wall.  It was taken about three years ago at Mokuba's birthday party.  Mokuba had given Yugi copies of all of the pictures, but this one I had kept for myself.

I had instantly fallen in love with it the moment my eyes had laid upon it.  His expression was so unguarded, so natural that I doubt he knew that anyone had been watching him at the time.  Sniffing I gently run my fingertips along the side of his face, before hugging the picture to my chest. "I'm so sorry…  Please…please forgive me…"

After kissing it lightly I place the picture carefully on top of the nightstand and getting out of bed grab the first articles of clothing I can find, not caring if they are clean or not and head towards the bathroom.  Quickly discarding blood covered clothes onto the floor I step into the shower, snapping the hot water on, watching as it turns a reddish hue as Seto's blood is washed from my skin.  But even as the blood is washed away I can still feel it lingering and falling to my knees I add to the bloodied water my tears.  Tears of loss, of pain and of hatred…hatred at fate, at myself.  All of my sorrow and grief spilling forward, as freely as Seto's blood had been spilled. 

I don't know how long I stayed there, weeping for the loss of an unrequited love; even as my tears ran dry I stayed, picturing his face, his voice, until finally the harsh sting of freezing water biting into my skin drove me out.  With no more tears left to cry I go through the motions of dressing mechanically, before moving silently down the stairs.

As I enter the living room I notice a small form lying on the couch, a blanket draped over it.  Moving closer I am able to make out a shock of black hair sticking out from underneath the blankets.  Mokuba…  Ashamed, I turn away from him.  Where as I have lost my one and only true love…a love that was not retuned, but loathed…  Mokuba…, Mokuba lost his brother.  His family, his blood…  I used to be jealous of Mokuba, of the love that he had for Seto, a love that was returned, unquestioned and unconditional.  A love that I so desperately wanted…  Sniffing I wrap my arms around myself.  

Gods…how many times did I wish that something would break them apart, pray that something would happen…  Out of irrational jealousy of innocent love, brotherly love and devotion, I wished so many things, horrible things, but not this…never this…  My eyes burn, but no tears come and hugging myself tighter I move farther into the room, going into the kitchen.  There I find Yugi, who jumps in surprise as I enter. 

"Ya…Yami you scared me." Yugi exclaims, bringing a hand up to his heart. "I didn't know you woke up…  Are…are you feeling alright?"

I laugh shortly at the idiocy of the question, then shake my head 'no'.  My voice barely above a whisper I ask. "How'd we get here?  What…what happened after…"

Not able to finish I trail off, sliding into a chair opposite the one that Yugi sits in at the table.  Biting his lip Yugi studies his fingers for a moment before softly whispering. "You scared me and Mokuba when you passed out after…after Seto flatlined…"

Closing my eyes I turn my head lightly to the left, lowering it slightly; tears that I'd not had just moments earlier springing unbidden to my eyes.

"Mokuba and I brought you home…  I tried to clean off all the blood, but…"

"It's my fault." I whisper softly. "All of it.  He blamed me for everything…"

"Who?"

"Seto.  In my dreams he confronted me with my betrayal, he claimed that I was responsible for his death…  And I am.  I am."

"No you're not.  Yami, there was nothing that you could have done." Yugi whispered, pain filling his voice. After taking a deep breath he continued. "Yami, Seto…Seto's not dead."

My eyes snapping open I stare at him in pure shock.  "But…but I saw him die…  You just said…"

"I know.  He did…but, when…  God…" Pausing he closes his eyes for a moment before continuing. "After you passed out…they tried…  God they tried so hard…  After five, ten minutes they gave up…  They said that…that there was nothing that they could do…  That they were sorry…"

Sniffing he reaches up, wiping at tears as they slowly start to trail down his cheeks, before laughing softly. "But Mokuba….  Mokuba wouldn't let them give up.  He told them what they could do with their condolences.  He got up in their faces and practically threatened them to within an inch of their lives, their professional ones anyways." He sniffed lightly. "He might not look or act like it, but Mokuba is a Kaiba through and through.  He would have done Seto proud, I think…"

I cry then, tears that I didn't previously poses spilling from my eyes as I repeat what Yugi had just told me over and over again in my head; letting its meaning sink into my soul and into my heart.  Seto was alive. 

Shifting uncomfortably in his seat Yugi cleared his throat, gaining my attention once more. "Yami, Seto suffered from a very serious head injury, the doctors aren't sure if it was caused by the car hitting him or from when he hit the ground but, he's…he's in a coma…"

"Coma?  I…I don't…understand…"

Biting his lip Yugi looked distressed for a moment, seeming to search for words, before settling on the simplest ones. "It's…it's like he's sleeping."

"If he's sleeping then can't you just wake him up?" I ask softly, not comprehending why this would distress Yugi so.  If Seto was sleeping, then that meant that he was going to get better, right?

"Yami it's not that simple…  The doctors don't…they don't think that he ever will wake up and even if he does they don't think that he'll…  It's just…  It took them so long to revive him Yami.  Too long…" Trailing off Yugi wiped at his eyes fiercely, turning his head away from me.

"Do…do you think that he'll wake up?" I ask softly.

Sighing Yugi ran a hand through his hair. "I think…  I think that Seto's too stubborn and prideful not to.  He just needed a little help before.  He's not a quitter; he doesn't know the meaning of the word 'surrender'; so I know that he'll fight to come back to us, to Mokuba.  I don't think anyone, fate and destiny included, could force him to do anything he didn't want to."

I flinch at that and the movement, slight as it is, is not missed by Yugi.  But to his credit he doesn't comment on it. 

"Mokuba got Seto a private room at the hospital and set it up so that we could visit him.  We're planning to go tomorrow.  Sometimes when people are hurt or sick, having the people that love them around helps.  You are going to come, aren't you?"

Suppressing a sob I shake my head 'no', while everything in me wants to scream the opposite.

"Why not?" Yugi asks softly. "You do love him, don't you?"

"Yes." I say without any hesitation. "Oh Gods, Yugi.  I love him more than anything, more than life itself.  I would have willingly given my life this day to spare him the pain that he is suffering.  Because…because of me…"

"Yami…" Yugi sighed softly. "It's not because of you.  You didn't do anything.  Why don't you want to come?"

"I want to Yugi, trust me, I do.  But I can't.  He…he wouldn't want me there…"

"Yami." He says softly, standing and moving around the table to stand by me. "What happened between you and Seto?"

"Nothing." I whisper softly, a lone tear trailing down my still damp cheeks.

Reaching out he wipes at the tear gently. "We both know that's a lie.  Something happened.  Whatever it is you need to let it go, both of you do; now more then ever.  Please tell me what happened.  Please."

When I don't respond he asks softly. "Did he know?  Did you tell him that you loved him?  Did…did he freak out on you?  Tell me.  Tell me what happened."

Closing my eyes I can hear a softly spoken murmur, too low to make out the words.  Can taste the salty sweetness of Seto's skin as I kiss it.  Can feel the pressure building inside of me as I thrust myself unto him.  Can feel the softness of his damp hair entwined in my fingers as I pull him close.  Can hear myself whispering, whispering of love.  Can hear myself crying out his name in pure ecstasy.  And beneath it all a constant soft sobbing, and the feel of tears on my skin as he shakes in my arms…

"I…I tried to tell him, but I don't think that he heard." I whisper softly, not wanting to tell the whole truth. "But that's not why."

"Then what is?  What happened?" Yugi pleads. "Yami this has been tearing you apart for five years."

"I can't tell you.  All I can tell you Yugi is what you already know.  That I screwed up." Choking I blink back my tears. "I did something that…that I never should have done…  Something so horrible that if I told you, I know that you would hate me, like he does…"

"That's not true Yami.  No matter what happened, no matter what you did, I could never hate you."

"Don't be so sure." Briefly I lift my tear filled eyes up to meet his, before lowering them again. "For what I've done there could never be forgiveness.  His has already been denied to me…"

"Yami there is always the chance of forgiveness.  Don't give up hope." He lightly whispers, wrapping his arms around my neck in a strong hug. "Come and see Seto with us tomorrow.  Don't give up on hope.  Don't give up on him.  As strong as Seto is, he can't do this alone, and if you don't see him now, then you may never get the chance to again."

--------

Yugi's words followed me to sleep that night.  The last lingering more than anything.  And as I dreamt I caught glimpses of a tall pale figure.  I could feel his eyes on me as he followed me in shadow through my dreams.  Once, I had stopped and had waited for him, but he never neared, always lingering at the very edge of my awareness.  He never spoke to me either, even when I spoke his name.  It was only when sleep began to fade that he neared.  For the longest time he simply stood there, not ten feet from me, regarding me with filmy white eyes, before tilting his head slightly and offering his right hand out to me, a small smile gracing his lips.  It was the same gesture he'd used in an earlier dream that night, in the dreams that he had haunted and condemned me, but now he offered no words, only the simple gesture. 

It was Yugi's words and the dream that convinced me to go the hospital with him and Mokuba the next day.  That had been a little over four years ago.  

I'll never forget that first day I went to see Seto.  Yugi and Mokuba had been detained by doctors and I'd moved ahead without them.  Silently and nervously seeking out the room that was Seto's, both longing and dreading to see him.  It wasn't long until I found his room and after steeling my courage entered.  Immediately I had been assaulted by the mechanical rasp of a life support machine.  Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I had looked up.

Seto lay unmoving in the single bed that occupied the starkly white room; a tangle of tubes and IV's covering his left arm.  As I moved closer I could see that they'd stuck a tube down his throat, which was attached to the ventilator.  They had his right leg up in a cast as well as his right arm.  He was covered in bandages that could be seen under the hospital gown he wore, going around his neck and shoulder, before disappearing once more underneath the flimsy material.  He had also had some bandages wrapped around his head, a few stray locks of brown hair sticking out through the wrappings, which were stained in some places by dried blood.

I would have broken down then too, if the doctor had not entered, Yugi and Mokuba in tow.  When I'd asked him about Seto's injuries he had simply listed them off, counting them on his fingers as he prattled on. 

"Let's see…he's suffered severe head trauma, his right leg, arm and shoulder blade are all broken.  His right wrist was also shattered from the force of impact when he hit the ground.  Most of his ribs were also broken, some piercing his lungs, resulting in internal bleeding, there's a slight possibility of…"

Whatever he'd said after that I do not know.  I had tuned him out then, turning my attention and gaze back to Seto.  The ghastly pallor of his skin reminding me uneasily of the dreams I'd had the night before. 

Slowly over the months the bandages had been removed.  And two years ago, along with Mokuba's reluctant consent, the doctors had decided to take him off of full life support…  He'd immediately gone into respiratory failure and we had almost lost him, but now he is breathing more or less on his own.  A small victory. 

Also as time has passed so too have the doctors' hope and optimism, if they'd even ever had any.  Many seem to believe that he will remain a 'vegetable' for the rest of his life, never to awaken.  And on the off chance that he does awaken they believe that he will have little or no mental capacity due to possible brain damage from being under for so long.  Even Seto's enemies have given up on him.  No longer seeing him as a threat, instead turning their attention to his successor – Mokuba.

Mokuba had taken over the responsibilities of running Kaiba Crop. not long after the accident.  At first he'd made it a point to visit Seto everyday, but the pressures of running his brothers company and attending college have taken their toll on him and have kept him away.  He hasn't come for months now.  Everyday Yugi and the others grow more worried about him, fearing that the weight of his burdens will break him.

Yugi likewise has been unable to visit for quite a while, most of his time spent running the Game Shop and caring for grandpa who has fallen ill this past year.  As for the others…  Well, they stopped coming weeks after the accident.  They may have had a grudging respect for Seto, but that is all.

Only I have continued to come everyday, regardless of weather or anything else that may try to stop me.  And as I move silently down these white corridors, the metallic sent of sterility and antibiotics assailing my senses, its nauseating effects having not diminished as time has passed, I can feel their eyes on me.  I have no want or need for their pity.

Gingerly I finger the long stem of the single rose I carry, running my fingers up the stem as I turn it slowly in one hand.  Tracing the delicate curve of a long slender thorn I bring it up to inhale its subtly sweet and seductive perfume.  I can feel something else in their gazes…  From the doctors and hospital staff a curiosity, and an almost sad admiration.  For they have grown used to seeing me come day after day, even after the others had stopped.  From patients and their family and visitors there is curiosity yes, and sadness, but also in some disapproval or perhaps even disgust.  I smile softly at their discomfiture, caressing one of the dark petals.  Black.  Not red or pink or even white, but black.  That is why they stare.  Perhaps they think it morbid, but it does not matter what they think.

He had always loved this color; he thought it beautiful.  He had always looked his best in black; its darkness contrasting perfectly with the paleness of his skin, drawing out the subtlest shades of blue in his eyes, making them all the more unsettling and unnatural in their beauty…

I am drawn out of my thoughts as I approach his room and my pace lessens as I step quietly up to the door.  Putting on a shaky smile I reach up and softly knock on the door as I've done every time I have come here.  I receive the usual answer of silence in return and gently push the door open, stepping quietly into the room.

"Ohayo." I whisper softly as I close the door behind me and move to stand next to his bed.

A smile twitches at the corners of my lips and I reach out running the fingers of my left hand lightly over the black silk of his shirt.  Mokuba had brought some of Seto's clothes over when it was apparent that he would be staying here for a long time, refusing to have Seto wear the hospitals flimsy, undignified gown for what could be the rest of his life.  The smile quickly fades however as my eyes drift to take all of Seto in.  His shirt appears to swallow him; he has lost so much weight, his muscles weakening from years of not being used.  His skin has grown even paler, almost pasty in appearance and lies gaunt over his slender frame.  His hair is no longer soft and shiny but lies in a dull halo about his head, its strands slightly longer than normal and soon will be in the need of a cut. 

I sniff lightly, before pushing my sadness and doubt away, instead putting on another shaky smile.  I raise the rose up to inhale its scent one last time, before gently kissing the dark petals.  Reaching out I then run the bud of the rose softly along the left side of Seto's face and up over his lips in a gentle caress, before placing it by his side on the pillow.

"Seto-kun?" I ask softly, my eyes lowering. "Seto…, will you wake up for me today?" He does not answer and I sigh softly, gently brushing at his bangs. "Please?"

Still he remains silent, lying unmoving, trapped within the darkness of his dreams.  My smile wavers once more, but I ignore the pain in my heart.

"I know…  Let's play a game.  Would you like to play a game with me Seto?" I ask quietly, moving a chair over to the bed. "The rules are simple.  If I win then you wake up and if I lose…then you wake up anyways." 

Taking his silence for agreement to the terms I reach into my pockets, drawing out a deck of cards from each.  One is my own and the other belongs to Seto…  He had stopped playing shortly after our last duel…  Mokuba had found his deck stuffed into the dark recesses of a drawer in his desk at work a little over three years ago and after much pleading he had allowed me to have it around six months ago.  Which at the time both pleased and disturbed me greatly.  For Mokuba knew more than anyone, perhaps even more than myself, what Seto's deck meant to him.  It scared me that he had given it up, given it to me, as though his own hope that Seto would awaken was all but gone.  And perhaps it is, perhaps everyone has lost their faith in him, without themselves even realizing it.

Sighing I push such thoughts out of my head and after shuffling and cutting each deck I place them both by Seto's side, then clear a space for them on the side table next to his bed.  After placing his deck on his side of the table I draw five cards from it, keeping them face down as I place them unseen beside the deck.  Moving the chair to face the table I take my seat, drawing five cards as well regarding them as I plan my opening move.  I have played other games with Seto, other duels, that I have both won and lost.  He has yet to honor the rules, but it is for me more than for him, I think, that I duel.  Glancing up to look at him briefly I set down my first cards, ending my turn.

--------

I am drawn out of the darkness of sleep by a whisper against my skin, so soft it had barely been felt.  I had fallen asleep after having played four games with Seto, two of which I had won and two of which I had lost.  I scowl briefly at the thought of that damned Ultimate Blue Eyes White Dragon that Seto is so proud of, as well as the other three Blue Eyes for that matter, before yawning softly and lifting my head from the sheets of Seto's bed just enough so that I can wipe tiredly at my eyes with my left hand.

Once again I feel the light whisper against my skin and blinking look down at my right hand whose fingers are still lightly entwined with Seto's own.  As I watch Seto's fingers move slightly, the barest of motions, feather light against my skin.  Swallowing lightly my gaze lingers for a moment before, moving from our hands up to his face as I stand shakily. "Seto-kun…?"

His brow furrows slightly at my whisper, before smoothing out once more, a soft sigh escaping his lips.  Panic rising within me that I will lose him again, that he will slip back into darkness, I release his hand, moving mine up to brush at his bangs and tilt his head slightly in my direction.

"Seto, please." I whisper softly, sniffing as I try to get him to respond again.

After a moment his eyelashes flutter gently, but do not open.  And for an instant I am struck by pure unadulterated fear, fear of seeing those eyes.  Fear of what they might hold when they look upon me.  Fear that they won't be the same endless blue pools of ice that had first ensnared me and drowned me in their cold beauty…  

My gaze is snapped back to his however as his lashes flutter once more, before opening slowly, barely lifting, then closing.  Biting back my fear, a single tear falling slowly down my cheek, I brushed lighting at his bangs, biting my lower lip softly.  His lashes once again flutter and this time his eyes slide slowly open to look at me without seeing.  My breath catches as I look into his dull, slightly filmed eyes.  But as they close and open once more they become clearer.  And as he turns his head slightly away from me, his eyes sliding close once more; I step back, stumbling against the chair, blindly moving towards the door.  As my back hits it I turn, struggling with the handle before flinging it open and running into the silent hallway…

Please R&R- Flames welcome ^_^


	4. Chapter Four

Disclaimer: *points to other chapters*  
  
Warning: ..  
  
A/N: First off I would like to apologize for taking so long in getting this out to you, especially those who have been waiting close to a year on me. ^^;;  
  
Secondly I would like to thank all of my reviewers both old and new, your comments and or threats really mean a lot to me. ^_^. I just hope that poor Seto-kun and Yami-chan haven't been too badly hurt because of me.  
  
Thirdly I would like to apologize for the shortness of this chapter. Truth be told I'm on the verge of absolutely loathing it. You don't want to even know how many times I came close to burning it, but then my Koishii would have killed me and I do not wish for my Koishii to kill me. I am not nearly satisfied enough with it and as with any story it is subject to revision and change.  
  
Lastly, Stalker reviewers. *sigh* I do not mind people e-mailing me reviews, comments, threats, questions, etc. However e-mailing me every singe day, sometimes more than once a day with the same question over and over is just plain annoying. I write in my free time as a hobby. Currently between two jobs and night school and the hell that is life I have no free time. So please forgive me if I might seem a bit miffed at you sometimes and when my predictions for when a chapter might be done are not held.  
  
Umm..*thinks* Yes. For those of you who asked to be notified for an update and haven't I'm very sorry. I've had an ungodly amount of 'puter troubles and some information has been lost. To help avoid this in the future a new ml has been set up, I ask that anyone who joined my previous list join this one. You may join the list here.  
  
The above ml is for both mine and Shinjuu's fiks, Anime related and original.  
  
And finally, no really I'm serious this time. ^_^. I would like to thank mine Koishii Vanyel Ashkevron. *hugglz chibi Vanyel-chan plushie* For without thou this would never be here, but would be little crisp, black ashes in the bottom of a trashcan.  
  
Now thus ending this horrendously long AN, please continue to the story. ^_^.;;  
  
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Bittersweet Victory IV  
  
I watch unobtrusively from the shadows that line the wall opposite Seto's bed, my arms crossed loosely over my chest as I lean back against it. I would have liked to move closer but.. I do not wish to upset Seto if.if he even recognizes me. My gaze is drawn out of the shadows by movement and turns slightly to my right, focusing on the white clad form of the doctor as he looks at the instruments by Seto's side, occasionally glancing and scribbling something on the clipboard he'd had when I had found him.  
  
Turning away from the monitors the doctor leans in closer towards Seto, saying something to him that is too low to hear. Faintly I catch the movement of Seto's lips as he whispers something back, his eyes sliding closed as he turns his head away from the doctor. A look of surprise passes over the doctors' features at Seto's words as he reaches into the pockets of his long white coat, pulling out a penlight. Turning Seto's head back towards him he clicks the small light on and shines it into one of Seto's eyes, which he held open. Seto flinches trying to turn his head away and brings up his hands to brush tiredly, weakly at the doctors own, more quiet whispers escaping his lips.  
  
Satisfied with what he found the doctor turns the light off, slipping it back into his pocket as he turns to regard the monitors once more. Closing my eyes briefly I sigh, then push away from the wall allowing my arms to drop down by my sides as I move quietly towards the door. I no longer belong here. Seto is awake, and that is enough for me. I don't think I could handle his coldness if it were directed at me. If he were to tell me to leave.  
  
As I reach out to turn the handle the doctor softly calls out to me, his voice momentarily taking on the tone and quality of Seto's own. Its timbre soothing and grating on my nerves. Closing my eyes briefly I take a breath, then turn slightly back in his and Seto's direction.  
  
Looking up from where he was bent over Seto the doctor smiled softly. "Mutou-San would you mind staying for a moment please? I'd like to speak with you."  
  
I remain where I am for a moment before lowering my head slightly in acquiescence, and slowly move to stand next to Seto's bed, my arms automatically coming up to cross in front of my chest. The doctor smiles up at me briefly, before straightening and turning to face the monitors by Seto's side. Lowering my lashes I allow my gaze to drift downwards to rest on Seto's hand, his fingers curled softly towards his palm. Their soft movement still a whisper in my mind. Slowly my gaze moves upwards, before hesitantly coming to rest on his face.  
  
He's looking at me. His eyes are glassy, dull as they stare up at me from underneath lidded lashes, his fringe obscuring them from my view. Almost from their own accord my arms uncross, my right hand coming up to brush at his hair, gently moving it out of the way only to have it fall back into place. Withdrawing my hand I smile faintly. His eyes blink softly, their gaze following my movements, before drifting off to the left as his head turns to look at the doctor. My gaze, following his, settles on the syringe that is now being pulled from the inside of his left arm.  
  
"To help him sleep." The doctor explains quietly, smiling lightly at me.  
  
My eyes widen at his words and I can only stare at him in disbelief as he starts to gather up his clipboard, making a few last scribbles on its surface. To sleep? Seto's been asleep for four years and they want to put him back to sleep after he has finally woken up? After taking down his last notes the doctor steps around Seto's bed and starts to move towards the door, stopping just inside it when he notices that I haven't moved. "Mutou-San?"  
  
Startled I turn slightly towards the door, looking at the doctor from over my shoulder as he waits for me. Turning back to Seto I reach out, resting my palm lightly against his cheek, briefly closing my eyes and then, letting my fingers draw slowly along his cold, pale skin, turn making my way over to where the doctor waited, wrapping my arms around myself as I stepped passed him into the hallway.  
  
The doctor doesn't bother to close the door behind him as he follows me out into the hall stopping just outside of the room. Clasping his hands behind him he taps the clipboard lightly against the back of his knees, a reassuring smile finding it's way onto his features.  
  
"Congratulations. You must be relieved that he regained consciousness. It must have been hard on you to see your partner like that for so long."  
  
My eyes dart up to meet his briefly before drifting into the dim confines of Seto's room, my arms tightening marginally around myself as I whisper. "He's not my partner."  
  
Out of the corner of my eye I can see the doctor flush lightly, embarrassment briefly crossing his features as he stammered. "I.I'm sorry. I didn't mean to jump to conclusions; it's just that. I didn't mean any disrespect. If I've offended you in any way."  
  
Smiling softly I turn my full attention back to him, assuring him that no disrespect or offense was given. He remains uncertain of my assurances and remains quiet for a moment, the flush slowly starting to drain from his young features as he contemplates my words. My eyes lowering my gaze soon finds its way back to Seto's still form. To be Seto's lover would be an honor.  
  
Clearing his throat the doctor regains my attention and I turn back to him noting the pink tinge that still stains his cheeks. "I know that there were some concerns regarding possible brain damage however, from what I could see there doesn't seem to be any extreme damage. As soon as he's rested we'll run a few test and see what we can find out. He appeared to be thinking clearly, he knows who he is, and although he wasn't too sure where he was at first he was able to figure that out." Pausing he cleared his throat. "However, when I asked him if he knew who you were, he said 'no'."  
  
My heart stops and I freeze at the doctors words, my whole being going numb. He didn't know me. He didn't know my face, couldn't place me. I was as much of a stranger to him as the man standing before me.  
  
I'd always known in the back of my mind that amnesia was a possibility; that the trauma that Seto suffered might affect his personality, his memory. But Seto had recognized where he was, who he was. Answered all other questions to the doctor's satisfaction. But he hadn't recognized me.  
  
"Mutou-San?" Startled I jerk my gaze upwards to lock onto that of the doctors. "Mutou-San, are you alright?"  
  
"I.I'm fine. I understand."  
  
Smiling softly the doctor reaches out resting his hand momentarily on my shoulder in a sign of comfort. "Don't let it discourage you. His lapse in memory may be a temporary thing. Once he's had time to rest and gather his thoughts together things should start to come back to him."  
  
Numbly I nod my head to show that I understood.  
  
"Mutou-San." Pausing the doctor glances briefly over at Seto. "Mutou-San, regardless of the nature of your relationship with Kaiba-San it is obvious that you care a great deal about him. Everyone here can see that. You've been coming here everyday for years now, and right now Kaiba-San needs that closeness more than anything. Right now he is feeling alone and scared. He knows where he is, but he doesn't understand why he is here. He needs to know that he is not alone, that there is someone here for him. He might not remember your name or who you are, but he knows you, he knows on some unconscious level that is was you who was with him, that is was you who led him back."  
  
Smiling the doctor brings his clipboard up, flipping a few pages before hastily writing something down and tearing that page free, offering it to me. "I know that visiting hours are almost over, but if you like you may stay with him for a bit longer. It might help."  
  
Numbly I reach out to take the paper, silently cursing at the slight trembling of my fingers.  
  
"Stay as long as you like Mutou-San. If you need anything let us know. I'll get in contact with Kaiba-San's brother and let him know that he's regained consciousness."  
  
"That won't be possible." I say, softly shaking my head. Seeing the confused look on the doctors face I try to explain. "Mokuba's currently out of the country."  
  
"Aa, Well I could call Kaiba Corp., they."  
  
"Wouldn't tell you anything." Faintly I smile. "Seto may not be there, but. He wouldn't tolerate such a thing. I'll call Mokuba tonight and let him know."  
  
"Are you sure?" The doctor asks uncomfortably.  
  
"Hai. Don't worry about it. And thank you, for everything."  
  
Beaming the doctor acknowledged my thanks before he was called away to his other duties. Clutching the note in my hand I turn back to Seto's dimly lit room, quietly stepping inside and moving to stand once again at Seto's side.  
  
Biting my lower lip I study him quietly for a moment wondering if the drug had already taken it's desired effect and carried Seto back to the dark realm of sleep. As if sensing my presence though, his eyes open marginally to look up at me before sliding closed his head turning slightly away from me as he took in a shuddering breath.  
  
"Seto-ku. Seto?"  
  
His eyelashes flutter for a moment as he turns his head, settling his gaze back on me and what I see nearly tears my heart in two. Tears. They gather in the corners of his eyes, dampening his lashes every time they fall close. And beyond those tears, fear.  
  
His brow creases for a moment and a look of uncertainty settles on his features, as though he were struggling with something that he couldn't quite grasp. His voice quiet he whispers softly. "Mokuba.?"  
  
"Oh, Seto." I whisper softly, reaching out to brush at a tear as it breaks free, moving my fingers across his cheek and then up to run lightly through his hair, my eyes sliding close. Mokuba. Of course he would remember Mokuba, would think of him first. For his little brother is everything to him, first and foremost in his heart. Briefly I feel a pang of jealously but push it quickly aside. Opening my eyes I find that more tears are now trailing their way down his cheeks and it takes me a moment to identify the cause of his distress. Scowling internally at myself I smile at him, gently brushing the tears away. "Don't worry Seto, Mokuba's fine."  
  
Relief passes through his eyes and he sighs softly, his lashes lowering slightly as he continued to look up at me almost curiously, before he leaned marginally into my touch as I continued to brush my thumb gently over his damp cheek, seeking and accepting the comfort I offered him. As his eyes start to drift closed I wonder about what the doctor had asked or told him. Obviously he had neglected to mention the fact that Seto had been in a coma for the past four years and that Mokuba hadn't been injured on that day. But why he wouldn't have said these things. Sighing I focus on Seto once more, his eyes barely open as he turns his head even more into my hand, trapping it between himself and the pillow.  
  
I frown softly as I have to lean forward some to accommodate this new, somewhat uncomfortable, position. Just as I contemplate gently removing my hand he sighs, causing his lips to brush against the inside of my upper palm and wrist in a feather light caress that steals the air from my lungs and makes my knees dangerously weak. Reaching out I steady myself, leaning forward and across just enough to cut off that touch. Taking in a shaky breath I close my eyes, ignoring the dull pain and protest coming from my still trapped hand; ignoring the pain in my soul from the loss of that delicate touch. It wasn't meant for me. He didn't mean to, he doesn't know. He doesn't even know who I am.  
  
"Seto?" I whisper softly. Getting no response I open my eyes to find his fully closed, his breath coming out in soft even puffs of air that lightly tease my skin, sending a shiver up my arm and to my spine. Licking my lips softly I lean all the way across so that my whole lower right arm rests on the bed by his side, my chest resting gently against his. Bringing my left hand up I lightly brush it through his dull brown locks, imagining the softness they had once held. "Se.Seto-kun.?"  
  
He stirs lightly this time, his eyes slitting barely open, before starting to fall once more. Quickly I repeat his name and his eyes slit open again. Whispering his name gently I can just make out the dark, cloudy blue of his irises as they move to look at me from out of the corner of his eye. Smiling gently I brush at his hair some more, whispering his name so lightly that I barely hear it escape from my lips. He blinks slowly at my softly spoken whisper, his head lifting to turn slightly in my direction, and I take the opportunity to gently slide my right hand out from under him. Smiling softly I use my now freed hand to brush at his bangs as his eyes threaten to close once more.  
  
A small noise starts to emanate from the back of his throat as his eyes finally drift close again, his head turning to lie once more on the pillow, his breathing becoming even and shallow as sleep tries to reclaim him. After a few moments the soft sound fades to silence and smiling gently I brush at his bangs one last time before gently kissing his cheek and straightening up. Moving my previously discarded chair back to the side of his bed I sit down, taking his hand in my own and laying my head by his side so that his hand, captured in mine, rests lightly against my cheek.  
  
Sighing I allow my eyes to close, pressing closer against Seto's captured hand, inhaling deeply of his unique musky sent that, although dampened by years of drugs and the sheer force of the atmosphere in the room, still carries with it memories. Memories that are both treasured and mourned by my heart.  
  
--------  
  
Sighing wearily I close the door to the Turtle Game Shop making sure that everything is locked up behind me as I make my way to the door that leads into the house portion of the building carelessly discarding my keys onto the counter as I pass by it.  
  
I don't bother to turn on the lights as I quietly make my way through the residence, carefully stepping over the step that would otherwise moan loudly in protest as I make my way up the stairs, briefly checking in on Yugi's grandpa before going to my room and gathering clean pajamas, heading then to the bathroom and waiting until the door is closed firmly behind me before turning on the lights.  
  
Tiredly shedding my clothes I step into the shower, turning my face up into the spray as the warm water starts to drum soothingly against my skin. Of all the modern inventions of this age this one had quickly won over my heart. The waters gentle fingers and caresses rarely failing to sooth the aches of the body and lull those of the soul.  
  
As the warmth starts to fade away replaced instead by cold I reach out, turning off the water, all the weariness of earlier slowly beginning to resettle within me. Stepping out of the shower I briefly dry my hair with a towel before throwing the cloth in the hamper not bothering with the rest of me.  
  
My pants cling lightly to my moistened skin and I hesitate briefly before setting my shirt on the counter as I turn, inevitably, to regard myself in the mirror.  
  
Always the same. Frowning I bring my fingers up to brush softly over my lightly tanned skin, the light sheen of water that covers it only serving to enhance its subtle coppery undertones, before trailing up to the paler scare that rests on the junction of my neck and shoulder.  
  
I'd never really like my skin tone, too light for the harsh desert sun that I had loved, such an oddity at that time. One of many that I possessed. But here, in this time, in this place I've found that many find it quite attractive.  
  
Letting my hand fall to my side I twist slightly watching as smooth skin slides easily over lithely formed muscle, contemplating the slim shoulders and tampered waist. So slender..., more effeminate than masculine one would suppose.  
  
Frowning I turn fully back to the mirror my eyes flickering up to my hair. Another oddity. Reaching up I finger a droopy spike of crimson-black thinking back to the few times that Seto had taunted me over its unusual color and tendency to spike out on its own before our...falling out. How Seto had scoffed at Yugi when he'd had his cut.  
  
Closing my eyes I slip my shirt over my head. Yet another oddity...my eyes. Many find their crimson hue disconcerting, find themselves faltering under their gaze. But not Seto. Never Seto. He would just scowl and stand firm, challenging with his own oddly shaded orbs.  
  
Sighing I glance one last time at my reflection; still that of a sixteen year old boy, never changing in the past nine years, before turning off the lights and padding quietly to my room.  
  
Forever young, moderately attractive, if a bit slight in built, but still...  
  
Still there is something which I am lacking. Which I have to be lacking. I know that I'm attractive to not only women but to men also, have had dozens of offers from both sexes, and yet Seto never once looked upon me as anything more than a rival.  
  
I wish so much to hold favor in him as more than that. As a rival, as a friend... My only comfort in this regard I suppose...is that Seto never really showed favor towards anyone, regardless of their sex, in either a friendly relationship or a romantic one. Except of course towards Mokuba, whom he would die for... Has died for. Closing my eyes I bite my lip, quietly closing the door to my room as I step inside, leaning tiredly back against it.  
  
At least for a while I was one of the very precious few whom he chose to show any regard for, even if it was only that of a rival, an enemy to be kept close, to be watched wearily from a distance and, if it suited him, protected...  
  
Sighing I push away from the door, crawling to sit near the head of my bed and drawing my knees to my chest wrap my arms around them, resting my chin upon them, my toes sliding under the hem of my blankets.  
  
Or perhaps it is not the present but the past which hinders me, a past which Seto refuses to acknowledge and accept.  
  
Could it be that our transgressions run too deep, that the past, that our continued rivalry spurred by some unknown force to always face each other as rivals, perhaps Destiny, the Fates deem us to forever be together yet always apart, separated and tethered by invisible threads that bind us, that pull us inevitably to each other, but hold us back, just out of reach.  
  
Puffing lightly at a stray lock of damp blonde hair that, having fallen forward, lightly tickled my nose I sigh, slowly unfurling my limbs, tiredly pushing my damp fringe back only to have it fall back into place, the multicolored spikes, still damp, futilely attempting to return to their usual state. Dwelling upon such things leads only to heartache and a migraine.  
  
Reaching out for the cordless phone that lay atop the nightstand I hesitate for just a moment before dialing the number for Kaiba Corp. adding an additional four digit code to the end which connected me directly to a security program within Kaiba Corps. main computer system. After a soft beep the phone line went silent for a moment before a string of tones sounded and a computerized voice came on the line asking for my personal entry code, which after I entered, initialized a string of security checks that varied from voice identification to a number of different numerical codes which had to be entered manually and passwords which had to spoken, to random phrases that where once again used to check for voice validation.  
  
The whole process is cumbersome, but unfortunately necessary. Due to the number of prank calls ranging from those claiming to be doctors that where better suited to threat Seto, to those whom claimed they worked at the hospital he was in who then would either claim Seto to have awoken or died, to those who issued threats, either to Mokuba or Seto and even people who had offered to pay for...sexual...privileges towards Seto. In the end Mokuba refused to take anymore calls from anyone he didn't know and built and installed this new security system, which only a select few could use. It is currently the only way anyone can contact him.  
  
After the last security check is cleared and verified there is another short pause before the voice comes back online. "Good Evening Yami Mutou, what can we do for you?"  
  
"I need to get in contact with Mokuba."  
  
"Acknowledged. Just one moment please."  
  
As the line once again becomes silent I slide my feet further under the hem of my covers and glancing down upon the nightstand's somewhat cluttered surface, my eyes come to rest on the photo of Seto from Mokuba's birthday, now faded and worn from years of handling. Resisting the urge to once again pick up that picture and trail my fingertips softly along the clean lines of Seto's face and body I force my attention back to the computerized voice of Kaiba Corps. main computer systems.  
  
"We are sorry, but Mokuba Kaiba's personal phone and computer are not acknowledging our request. Would you like us to contact the establishment in which he and Yugi Mutou are currently staying?"  
  
"Hai."  
  
"Just one moment. Connection has been established and your call will now be routed directly to Mokuba Kaiba and Yugi Mutou's room. Please enter disconnection and logoff codes when you are done. Would you like us to remain on standby until that time or in case you will be in need of us again?"  
  
"Iie."  
  
"Acknowledged." With that silence once again filled the line before the soft ringing of the other end sounded and continued for a number of minutes before a light, slurred and obviously sleepy voice interrupted it. "Hello...?"  
  
"Yugi?"  
  
Faintly I hear the soft rustling of sheets, along with a few incoherent mumbles, as Yugi shifts his position. "Yami it's four am..."  
  
Glancing quickly at my alarm clock I notice that it is indeed not four am, and so merely shrug into the empty room. I could never quite get these different time zone things right and thus Yugi will just have to continue to suffer. "Gomen ne Yugi, I didn't mean to wake you."  
  
"Hmm.... Yami why are calling this late?" With that the sound of a thump and a softly whispered curse filled the air along with more rustling of sheets before a much more awake and slightly panicked Yugi came back on the line. "Is Seto alright? Nothing's happened has there?"  
  
I'm about to answer when a sleepily drawled 'Yugi... Who is it...?' sounds on the other end and after a moment Yugi's muffled voice fills the silence which is then quickly replaced by another thump and more cursing before Mokuba's voice filled the phone line restating Yugi's previous questions, though with a bit more panic in them.  
  
Mentally picturing both Mokuba's and Yugi's ears held up to the phone I repress a small smirk, the unused expression feeling odd. "I'm sorry to wake you guys, and yes Seto's alright..." A soft whoosh of released air follows this statement, before both prompt me to continue. "Mokuba...he... He woke up."  
  
Dead silence fills the air as Mokuba and Yugi take this in, processing the information.  
  
Mokuba's voice shakes softly when he finally speaks, the beginnings of tears clear in his voice. "He...he woke up? When...? How...? Did he say anything? Did he do anything?"  
  
Briefly I feel another pang of pain and soft jealously at the memory of the quiet and confused inquiry Seto had made towards Mokuba, perhaps without even knowing the reason behind his question. "Tonight, a few hours ago... He asked about you."  
  
"He asked about me...?"  
  
"Hai... The doctor said that they where going to run some tests on him later...after he's rested. They said that they don't think he suffered any severe damage from the accident, but..."  
  
"But?" Yugi prompted softly after a prolonged silence.  
  
"He... He has some memory problems. He didn't recognize me..." Biting my lower lip I berate myself for the trembling that had seeped into my voice and taking a calming breath continue, ignoring the softly spoken words on the other end. "They don't think that it's permanent though."  
  
His voice shaking from tears and relief Mokuba came back on the line. "Yami, whatever needs to be done, do it. I don't think... I don't think it'll be possible for us to leave here before this deal is done without the whole thing falling through. Please look after Seto and tell him... Tell him I'm sorry that I wasn't there and that I love him.  
  
"I will."  
  
"We'll get there as soon as we're able to. Thank you Yami. Thank you."  
  
After a few more words I go through the appropriate actions to disconnect and laying the phone back on the nighstand turn off the light, laying down and drawing my covers around me, settling into an uneasy sleep filled with shifting shadows and softly spoken whispers of words I wished not to hear, of silences accompanied by the embrace of strong arms that both chilled and warmed me. Dreams so long absent coming back to haunt me.  
  
--------  
  
Slightly embarrassed I brush my fingers gently over the delicate black petals of the rose I carry. It feels a bit awkward bringing the flowers to Seto now that he is conscious but at the same time it gives me a small measure of comfort when neither they nor I am rejected.  
  
It's been about a week since Seto has first awakened. Mokuba and Yugi have yet to get back from their business trip, although they call every night to check on Seto; the worry and guilt in Mokuba's voice at his inability to be here is so profound that I can't help but feeling guilty myself. Guilty for being here when Seto awakened, for being jealous of their love and for nearly causing the most precious person in both our lives to be lost to us forever. Of what my betrayal had nearly cost... Hopefully it won't be too much longer before Mokuba can get here.  
  
The tests that the doctors have been running on Seto have all been completed and analyzed, showing a few anomalies, but nothing the doctors said that should cause too much concern, for that I am thankful. And so for a week now I have continued to come to see Seto, regardless of the silence that embraces him like a shroud. A silence which unnerves and frightens me...  
  
Pausing outside of his door I take a deep calming breath before quietly slipping inside the room. My gaze immediately wonders towards Seto who is sitting upright, his arms wrapped tightly around his drawn up knees on which his chin rests. As the door clicks softly closed behind me Seto's only reaction is to tilt his head slightly more to his left as he continues to gaze out of the window, his long, somewhat shaggy, dull hair falling forward to further obscure his eyes which are slightly lowered, his downcast expression one of quite confusion and sorrow.  
  
The movement slight as it is also causes the collar of Seto's shirt to slip downwards, baring his right shoulder and slightly arched neck, the skin revealed far too pale, the clean lines of muscle which should be seen nearly completely vanished from years of lying still in one position, giving him an uncharacteristically frail appearance. I wonder if a nurse had to help him sit up like that or if, in his stubborn nature, he had done so himself. Sighing quietly I move to stand next to him absently setting the rose on the nightstand beside me.  
  
"Seto..." Unsure I pause, Seto hasn't once spoken to me since the night he awakened, hasn't in fact, aside from a few whispered words in answer to some of the doctors questions, spoken to anyone. "How... How are you feeling?"  
  
After a moment Seto's gaze glides briefly to look at me before his attention is once again drawn away to look out of the window at the slightly graying sky. Expecting, yet still hurt by the silence I allow my gaze to wonder over the room and it's contents, my gaze soon coming to rest upon the velvet petals of the rose I'd lain down not moments before. Hesitating briefly I reach out picking the delicate flower back up considering it's softly defined petals. Maybe...  
  
"Here Seto, I brought this for you." I can feel a deep blush flare across my cheeks as Seto once again turns his gaze to look at me and then at the rose which I held out in offering. This is the first time I've ever offered the roses directly to him, preferring instead to simply place them by his side or on the nightsand by his bed. "They are your favorite..."  
  
I trail off as Seto reaches tentatively out towards the rose, the sleeve of his shirt sliding down his arm as his long, pale fingers close around the stem and I can't help but flinching at the reminder of the thinness and fragility that has settled into Seto's build. After smelling the rose, his lips brushing lightly over the petals, Seto once again wraps his arms around his legs, but this time his gaze doesn't wonder to the window but lingers on me, his eyes if possible reflecting an even deeper sense of sadness.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
His voice is so soft and quiet that at first I'm not sure if the words where really spoken or if they where imagined. His lightly questing eyes however prompt me to answer him, part of me rejoicing in the fact that he asked me a question and the other shattered at the question he asked. "My name's Yami. We...used to be friends..."  
  
"Used to be?"  
  
Agitation mixing with sadness I fidget and turn my gaze away from Seto's so that I don't have to face him directly. "We had a falling out."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Biting my lip I glance briefly back at Seto before once again looking off to one side, my voice trembling slightly as I spoke. "I...I did something that I shouldn't have. Something that you could not forgive me for."  
  
His lashes lowering Seto turns slightly away from me, his gaze distant as he contemplates what I've told him. Then in that quiet, soft voice, slightly muffled by the tops of his knees he whispers. "There's someone... Someone important to me, but I can't remember..." He sobs quietly at the last, his right hand raising to grab a handful of his hair, his head lowering to hide his face further in the folds of his arms and knees.  
  
As both relief and confusion pass through me I close my eyes. While I'm grateful for the change in subject, this new one confuses me. I can't imagine who Seto might be talking about, the only person coming to mind being Mokuba, but Seto had asked about him...  
  
"Mokuba...?"  
  
My eyes snap open at Seto's quiet whisper, the realization that I must have spoken the name aloud sending little tendrils of embarrassment and guilt snaking through me. "Mokuba..., your little brother."  
  
"Mokuba..." Seto repeats softly, thoughtfully, before shaking his head in a barely perceived 'no'. Quiet fills the room for a few minutes as Seto lapses into silence, his brow furrowing slightly as he contemplates his own thoughts, his eyes slowly wondering back to rest upon me.. "What was it...that you did? That I couldn't forgive?"  
  
At the sudden shift back to our previous conversion I stiffen, freezing as fear starts to fill me. Fear at his rejection should I tell him the truth filling my heart and yet knowing at the same time that I cannot lie to him. "I... I..."  
  
"Seto!"  
  
Startled I turn at the same time Seto's eyes snap to the doorway, our gazes landing upon Mokuba who stood just inside the doorway and Yugi who lingered just behind. For a moment complete silence hung in the air before Mokuba called out Seto's name again and rushing into the room embraced Seto in a hug crying incoherent words. As Seto's attention is drawn away from me I back up, passing Yugi as he goes to Mokuba's side trying to calm the younger Kaiba down. I keep backing up until I'm out of the room and turning I lean back against the wall, my hand coming up to cover my mouth as shame fills me. Shame at the sense of relief I feel for not telling Seto and a sudden sense of self-loathing at the knowledge that I can't tell him. That I won't tell him, not unless he asks... I can't... I can't.  
  
R&R 


	5. BV Chapter 05

**Disclaimer:** _:points to other chapters:_

**Warnings: **_hmm..._

**AN:** _:le gaspers:_ I know you don't believe it. An update to BV. Now how about lowering those stones. _:nervous laugh:_ I am very much, truly sorry for how long it has taken to get this little piece of work out to you. Always IRL conspires and so what can you do. I hope that you enjoy reading this chapter and aren't too miffed at me. I swear I'll try to get the next out in less that nearly three years. XP

Please R&R because R&R's make me dance. _:does a little jig:_ Replies to reviews and questions etc can be found at a URL written in our journal bio cause ff.n sucks.

Misc info: Only two more chapters to go.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

**Bittersweet Victory V**

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

"I can't... I can't..."

"Yami?"

The softly spoken inquiry startles me out of my self-guilt and I stiffen against the wall my hand falling from my mouth to my side clenching tightly into a fist. Faintly I can hear Mokuba's tear strained voice in the background before the soft click of Seto's door closing and then Yugi moved to stand in front of me, his hand reaching out to lightly grasp my own. "Yami, are you ok?"

The pure sincerity of the question, the underlying tones of complete trust and love bring my self loathing back in full force, a bile taste filling my mouth as Yugi repeats his question, concern mingling with the myriad of tones in his soft voice. He shouldn't be out here. He shouldn't be trying to comfort me, a monster, a liar. He should be in there with Mokuba. He should be there for his friend, not me. I am not deserving of such trust, such love...

My voice doesn't shake and I am grateful for that as I brush Yugi's concerned touch away, my gaze lowering to look at the floor as I step past him. For some reason the thought of him looking into my eyes, looking and seeing my thoughts of betrayal - of my self-hate, is something that I cannot bear. "I'm fine Yugi... I just need some air..."

My footsteps echo off the sterile white walls around me, reverberating throughout the hospitals uniform halls and faintly I hear Yugi calling out to me from behind - but I do not turn back, do not look at anything but the pristine tile in front of me and before long that soft cry disappears; my footsteps the only thing calling out to me.

I don't know how long I walked; thoughts of Seto's sad, lost gaze and quiet questions filling my mind. Questions that I know I would not answer if given the choice, _knowing_ that I would betray him a second time without thought or care if given the opportunity. What a deceitful, hateful creature I am to knowingly risk the chance of hurting him again - of betraying him again, for just one moment of his attention. If he finds out, if he remembers, I will have deceived him again and knowingly so.

My eyes closing I continue to walk, uncaring of what was around me, unconcerned with the lack of noise save that of my own footfalls. Then, softly, another noise intrudes. Lightly it whispers beneath the echo of my feet and its whisper freezes me in mid-step, my eyes slowly opening halfway as I tilt my head towards the source of that sound. The soft drip of water...or blood. No not blood, not blood...

Frowning, I push aside the quick stab of fear at the reminder of those dreams. Dreams filled with shifting shadows of color, of cold skin and white opalescent eyes, of accusing, damning words.

This is not a dream; this is reality.

Hesitating momentarily I sigh, breathing in a shaky breath and running trembling fingers through my hair before turning and retracing my steps back the way I had come.

Yugi is no longer standing sentry over Seto's room as I approach and in the quiet emptiness of the deserted hallway I take solace, my uneasiness at the reminder of what could have been fading in the face of truth. Seto is alive and I have a second chance. Bringing up past sins will not change what had happened all those years ago, but perhaps, perhaps by not mentioning them, if he never truly remembers then maybe I could set things right between us. And if he finds out later on, if he does eventually remember he might not judge me so harshly...

Taking in one last, trembling breath I reach out and open the door stepping quietly into the room. Silence and darkness greet me and looking up I notice that neither Mokuba nor Yugi are present; only Seto remains, sitting as I have left him, his figure, like the room, draped in soft shadows. He stares out at the darkened sky beyond the window, his face turned from me, arms wrapped loosely around his up drawn knees.

How long had I been walking the empty corridors of this place of sickness and death? Clearing my throat so that Seto might know that he was no longer alone, I moved cautiously to the side of his bed resisting the urge to reach out and touch him. "Seto-kun where's Mokuba? Did he and Yugi leave already?"

Seto does not answer, does not make any move to indicate that the question had been heard or my presence acknowledged. Time seems to stretch out into eternity as I wait, my arms coming up to wrap around myself in an attempt to ward off the sudden chill that encompasses the room as small goose bumps form on my flesh.

Shaking off the uneasiness the chill has brought back to my soul I repeat the question reaching out to softly touch the sleeve of Seto's shirt, my fingers trembling ever so slightly at the contact. Wetness, warm and yet at the same time deathly cold, meets my touch and, surprised, I look down, shocked at the red substance that now coats my fingers. Blood. Jerking my hand away I take a half step backwards, Seto's name choking on my lips.

At his name Seto finally stirs, slowly turning to face me. He is covered in blood; drenched in it.

Transfixed, my eyes followed a trial of blood as it wined its way over Seto's reddened lips to flow lazily down his chin. Movement draws my attention and my eyes snap upwards focusing momentarily on a spot of blood-matted hair before sliding to fix on Seto's eyes. Slowly the blue is draining from them, leaving behind a dead, unseeing white.

Silently my mouth works unable to produce any sound as those ghost eyes focus upon me.

Blood slicked fingers brushing feather light along my jaw and throat bring me back to myself and choking on tears and fear I jerk back, violently slapping that cold touch away from me. Eyes unseeing, I turn and stumble towards the door, fumbling endlessly with the handle, which refuses to turn. Behind me I can hear movement and biting down on my lip hard enough to draw blood I jerk the door open and once through slam it closed cutting off the cold whisper of my name.

Trembling I stay facing the door my head pressed lightly against it, my hands clenched against its coldness as the coppery taste of blood fills my mouth. This cannot be real. This cannot be happening. A dream. This must be a dream.

Crumbling, I slide to my knees before the door to Seto's hospital room and weep.

-----

Whispers. I can hear them calling to me. Hauntingly beautiful, hauntingly sad; they envelope me in their ethereal embrace.

I know not how long I have been sitting here, my head still lightly pressed against the door, my gaze transfixed to my hands, which are curled loosely on my knees. My lips move to words I do not know as I study the still wet blood that clings to my fingers.

Eyes half lidded I get slowly to my feet and, forcing my lips to stop their senseless movement, I brush my blooded fingers over my equally bloody lips. The coopery taste, which for eternity seems to have filled my senses, slowly fades before the combined taste of our blood floods back into my mouth. Somehow it is no longer bitter, but sweet, a taste of heaven upon my lips.

My lips twitching briefly upwards at the mockery, I wipe my mouth clean with the back of my hand and as I turn I find myself facing not the pristine, sterile hallways of the hospital but instead the grand foyer of Seto's mansion, its usual immaculateness thrown into a state of disarray at the blanket of clothes and odd objects that litter it's surface.

It has been years since I have been here, in dreams or otherwise. It felt...wrong to come back to this place knowing of Seto's wish that I not even look upon it with my traitorous eyes. So I had refused both Mokuba's pleading, and that of my heart.

Taking a deep breath I lean back against the door behind me, still the pristine white of the door leading to Seto's hospital room and staunchly out of place with its new surroundings.

Silence fills the room as I gaze dully at the clothes strewn floor, my gaze darting from one object to another, unconsciously cataloguing each item as my eyes pass them by. Jackets, shoes, and strewn glass from a shattered vase are noted successively before I realized that the silence I had been surrounded by wasn't as quiet as I had thought it was. Softly there is the sound of laughter -- a slightly hysterical sound that echo's around the foyer, slowly becoming louder as I notice it.

Covering my ears I try to block out the maddened sound, the sound of a shattered and tortured soul. My fingers claw almost painfully at my head as I shake it violently willing the sound to go away, to leave me in whatever peace I might find in this hellish place. Still it grows, louder and louder, filling every one of my senses with its sheer rawness of intense hurt and pain until, no longer able to bear it, I scream. I scream as loud as I can and for as long as I can, I scream until my throat and lungs burn with such an intensity that I choke and at that moment of silence, silence filled with only the soft, hoarse sounds of my gasping breathes do I realize that the laughter had come from within myself.

Slowly my fingers unfurl from where they are knotted in my hair as I straighten ignoring the moistness of fresh tears that trail coldly down my cheeks as an empty coldness seeps into me, into my very heart and soul, numbing the pain and hurt caused by a sin for which I shall never be free of the punishment.

Slowly I take in a shaky breath, pushing away from the door, my fingers trailing softly along its surface before coming to rest lifelessly at my side. Quietly I make my way through the chaos of strewn and broken things careful not to touch anything lest the numbing stillness within myself be broken. This way it doesn't hurt quite as much, to be here in this place where I am not wanted, this place where I am damned to be.

I feel nothing as I enter a long hallway. I embrace the nothingness, wrapping it around myself, around my heart like a shield. Hollowly I let my eyes trail where they will, catching quick glances into darkened rooms as I pass, fleeting impressions of figures and places in photographs that line the walls and a few tables interspersed at equal lengths along my path. Instinctually I stop in front of my destination my fingers reaching out to lightly brush against the doors cool wooden surface before pushing it gently open.

Stepping quietly into the kitchen I am met with a reflection of my own heart. Numbly I take in my surroundings, everything as I knew it would be save but one thing that was missing; Seto. Making my way over to the central counter I pause briefly before reaching out and letting the fingers of my right hand trail lightly atop its surface as I slowly make my way to where Seto should be sitting, my fingers falling to brush softly atop the stool.

A carton sits forlornly on the counter top, a spoon resting peacefully by its side. Noting somewhat the small sense of panic that rises within me before being washed away by nothingness I lean forward looking into the carton sure in what I am expecting to be there; however no blood fills it, just the liquidy remains of melting ice-cream. Somewhat perturbed I gingerly pick up the spoon dipping it lightly into the carton before brushing it against my blooded lips. The sour taste of cooper mingles with the sweetness of the dessert an odd contradiction to my senses, a reflection of this place that surrounds me.

Dropping the spoon to the counter top, ignoring the loud metallic clang that echoes off the walls, I turn my back to this scene retracing my steps back into the hallway from which I had come, back to the foyer and slowly up the grand staircase, echoes of past curses proceeding me only to fade into silence as I reach the top landing of the third floor. Stopping just outside of Seto's bedroom I rest my forehead lightly against the door, the numbness I wish so desperately to hold onto fading at the memories of the past, retreating in the face of my eternal nightmare.

Unwilling to let my indifference go I grab onto it, wrapping it more strongly around my heart and mind, shielding me from the horrors I know I have committed and the gradual insanity I know it to be driving me to.

Dimly the light from the hallway seeps into the room as the door is pushed gently open, bathing its occupants in a soft and ethereal light. The room is empty, a vague spirit of its true self. A whisper of sorrow fills my heart as I look in upon it and I almost leave when something catches my eye. Weary I enter slowly into the room coming to stand on the left side of Seto's bed and reaching out I pick up the single stemmed rose bud that lay there, its purity in color mocking the events that took place in this room, in this bed... Slowly the petal starts to unfurl and spread in an odd and sensual movement, white bleeding into a deep crimson as it blossoms fully. It stays suspended in that state for but a moment before the petals start to welt in upon themselves falling in gentle spirals towards the darkness of the sheets, the crimson fading to a pale, breathless pink.

Closing my eyes briefly I crush the wilted flower letting its remains drift through my fingers. When I open my eyes I am no longer surrounded by darkness and shadows but am instead sitting on a lush blanket of green, soft pink petals drift slowly to the earth all around me from where I sit leaning back against a tree. My lips twitch slightly into a mocking smile as the distant song of a bird is carried to me on the wind and my gaze drifts upwards, catching wisps of the blue sky amidst the gently swaying branches offering me their shade.

In the distance the soft sound of laughter and enjoyment can be heard, further mockery of my pain and guilt. Sighing I glance over toward the mass of people and tents before rising and moving slowly around the tree, my fingertips brushing lightly along its rough bark. Running, always running.

A name is carried to me on the wind and after a second I numbly move back around the tree to look out amongst the crowd. All seem to fade into the background as two people meet. I am prepared for what it is that I am about to be shown. I know that no matter how much I wish not to see I cannot turn away. This is my punishment and I accept it freely.

There is no coldness between him and I however. No awkward silence, no stiffening nor posturing, only a gentle casualness. I can see him smile at me as we talk and I almost want to move forward out from under the protective shade of my hiding place, to know what it is that he is saying to me, instead I move a step backwards, drawing on the coldness of the shadows, wanting but unable to turn away from this new form of torture.

Below I watch myself as I laugh, the sound carried lightly on the wind and at that laughing Seto smiles, somehow seeming pleased with himself and my reaction. Mesmerized I study that smile an expression I never thought I would again see upon his face, least of all caused by me. Gently the wind plays with Seto's hair and I'm surprised to see that other me reach up and run their fingers lightly through the mused strands. My heart aches in my chest as Seto's smile softens and reaching up he captures that hand brushing my other self's fingertips gently against his lips.

Closing my eyes in pain I mirror the action, brushing my own fingertips against my lips hating the person who is and yet is not me that seems to hold so much affection in Seto's eyes. That is what I wish had really happened on that day, that is the result I had wished from my failed attempt to force him to recognize, to see what it was that I feel so strongly for him.

My soul aches and as cold arms encircle me I do not draw away but instead lean back, tilting my head softly to the side as bloodied lips gently caress my neck and soft meaningless whispers surround me as I surrender to my reality. To my truth. I will never have that which is before me; I shall never know that joy nor peace. Even though Seto is awake, even though he no longer knows me, I know that I shall never truly have him. I can feel Seto's lips smile lightly against my flesh as a choking sob racks through my body, my knees trembling before giving out from underneath me and as I stumble Seto's hold on me loosens, his fingers whispering against my chilled skin as I am released from his embrace, allowed once more to be swallowed by darkness and despair.


End file.
